_marked_

I thought January and February went by so fast. March was even faster.

Waay faster.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year.

March was a whirlwind month for all of us. I swear, time gets faster as you grow older (kainis bakit ganun :P).

In the crazy month of March, I discovered something about myself. This certain experience caused me not exactly fear and not precisely comfort. It’s somewhere in between I guess – if that makes sense at all. The irony of it all is, while it was entirely a great day of discovery, it was in fact something I knew all along. It was an entity that was just untapped. I should probably say that it was a day of reaffirming what I’ve already possessed yet almost doubted. And I thought the experience was a rare enough episode at my age. I wish I could be more precise on what I’m talking about here, but I can’t :P. Only my Bes would know what I’m pertaining to -- which brings me to the most important event that happened this month:

MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD GOT MARRIED!!!!


Best wishes B and Bes! (photo courtesy of Mike Frias)

I’m still on a high about their beautiful, beautiful, wedding! I’ll write about that later. Perhaps I could talk about her bachelorette party too. Haha! It was the most hilarious party I’ve arranged and attended. Thanks to the girls, the party was a success! I wish we could party like that every month. ;)

Have a good holy week everybody! It’s the perfect time for reflection.

_gotta roar into the year of the tiger_

::Happy faces at the Chinese New Year Red Party::

Gong Xi Fa Cai everybody!

Chinese New Year Celebration is coming to an end -- tomorrow to be exact. February all happened in a blink of an eye. Both my personal and work life have been....eventful. I wanted to say stressful, but I'm starting to have a more positive take on things again. I still whine here and there, but a minute or two later I get back on track. I really have to anyway. Who else is gonna help me but myself, right? By God's grace, I'll be fine. :)

All those things that happened this month really kept me busy, which is not to say that I didn't have time for reflection. Lots of it. Yes, I have this terrible habit of thinking too much. Doing so makes me feel like I'm locked in a circle of calmness and safety. It usually happens on my way home -- particularly that moment when I'm walking from the train station to the flat. Passing by the park (the quiet, clean and lovely park in our neighborhood) at night puts me in the perfect mood to think. Overthink. Pray. And sometimes, as much as I hate it to admit it...cry. I even sit on the bench for a while. Blame Singapore for putting up so many parks like this one. :P I will probably spend 1/4 of my time here in SG sitting on park benches pondering about life. Pathetic? Well, that's how I get by. Of course sometimes I think my problems are nothing compared to others'. But what am I supposed to do? This is the set of problems given to me. I have to deal with it and I am licensed to cry over it if I want to. If I have to.

While it helps to think that others have bigger problems, sometimes I can't help but feel down about my own share. The last time I felt like this was, I think, about 5 years ago. I remember writing in my old blog that I was lonely, and that the loneliness was palpable. Kind of happening again lately. The only difference this time is that there is one person I know who can actually take away that loneliness. But that person is probably thinking of the same thing about me, and experiencing the exact same thing I'm going through. Whew.



But life goes on.

And the Year of the Tiger is welcoming me with open arms :) Might as well reciprocate! Like I said, I'm trying to be more positive again. ;)



And if you're reading this, yes, I was talking about you.

_level_

It really is true -- that everything is fragmentary, and it's up to us to supply the missing link. I suspect, however, that sometimes the missing link remains just that -- missing.

I feel like I've done everything on my part, yet I still feel that somehow it's not enough. It's never enough. I give whatever I could, offer everything I could. Explained everything there is to explain -- and God knows how long that is. :P But there will always be something missing. There's always something the world withholds from me. Maybe it's supposed to be that way.

But for a long time I held on to a certain belief that there is an answer to everything. The answers could be vague or even bad, but THERE IS something. There is a door to everything. If only you could find it. If only I could find it.

And I want to find it now.

Waiting is particularly hard for someone like me. The heart of my problem, as I see it, is that I am -- as I have made it clear to most people -- not very patient. I'm sure the society (and by that I mean my mother) agrees with this. I am surprised to learn, however, that despite my being patience challenged, I have certain qualities of martyrdom when it comes to that one thing that makes us all fools.

Why do I feel that everything is pointless despite all the efforts we put in?

I'm tired. And I am running on low fuel.





*Ok. I am done contemplating. I'm going to bed now. :) *

_steady_

For the past 3 years, my January 1st has always been filled with both happiness and well, some sad moments. The balance is just perfect.

It tells me that life, for the rest of year, will be filled with both and can even happen progressively. It also tells me that I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Today, I learned yet again that plans can change and promises can be empty. And while I enjoy the wonderful moments in life, I should always be ready for any letdowns.

I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to face 2010! :)

_welcoming 2010_

I am really excited for 2010!

Have an amazing year ahead everybody! May we continue to feel the love and goodness of God all year through.

_salamat_

Thank you to everyone who remembered. :) It was indeed a happy and wonderful birthday.

And to all the guys who came to my birthday celebration which lasted til 5:30am the next day, thank you. :) I never thought I could still stay up that late. :P I'll post the photos here soon! In the meantime, you can browse them at facebook.

_before it's over_

The year is about to end. But before that, it's Christmas -- my favorite holiday. And before that, I turn a year older. :) I am both happy and contemplative this time of the year. Perhaps I could say I am "happily contemplating". :)

This year started with quite a few emotional episodes in my life. I exhausted all I could to save something which I thought was precious. Turned out, it was only precious to ME. That thing I wanted to share, I had all to myself. But there was no use keeping it for myself. As with anything that destroys me, I let it go.

In so many instances, I had difficulties at work, but then I learned to endure. And I got a raise.

I got my heart broken, only to be whole again. Perhaps even more cohesive this time. (Thanks to someone who is taking good care of it. *winks*)

I met new people and found out those who are really showing their true colors.

Both funny and lovely moments made me see that it's not only mothers who know best, your best friends do too. :)

I was convinced, prematurely as it turned out, that some people hurt you out of selfishness.
I will say it again, it really is a dog-eat-dog world. And I probably experience this every single day.

I realized in so many ways who truly deserves my heart. Furthermore, I learned that in this world, a few men are worth catching, and fewer still are worth keeping.

I read from a book that everything is fragmentary. It's up to us to supply the missing link. It's true.

Anything good and important is hard. Like relationships. And sometimes, even my sanity. :P Being away from my family only made me closer to them. In terms of long distance relationships, I am now a believer. :) It CAN and WILL work if both parties really want it.

This year I made decisions, decisions, decisions. Some of which I had to ponder on for hours, some for days, some dragged for a few months. Some are even still bound to change.

It took Singapore for me to realize and do some of the things I really want out of life. And now I know how, where and when I want to do them.

I had a handful of problems this year, but I always made it a point to remind myself that my blessings are always more than my so-called problems.

I'm excited to experience the rest of my 2009, and even more excited what's in store for 2010.

As the song goes, "What comes is better than what came before." :)

_festive spirit_

Hope you guys are in a festive spirit! :)

I know we are! :) We are busy preparing for the holidays as we will be spending it at the place which is known to have the longest Christmas celebration. :)

See you guys soon!

_bubble_

Growing up as a kid, I was quite dreamy. Then came a dreamy adolescence -- just letting life happen to me. It took me years to get myself wide awake and years later I was dozing off again. Fading inward.

Things turned around in the past year or two. There is no time to sleep. Snoozing won't get you anywhere.

I was clutched to the factors around me. The city's vibe. People rushing everywhere. People queueing everywhere. From sun up to sun down, there is no spot that won't keep you awake. And I wonder what everyone is rushing for. We're always headed for somewhere and we're always in a hurry. And when I look around, every person is holding a mobile phone. Who is everyone calling anyway? Back in the day, a cellphone was NOT a necessity. But all these things -- all these things -- I am a part of. That's what I was afraid of. All those details and their demand from me.

A little quiet time helps. Over two cups of hot black coffee I reevaluate my priorities and my purpose. Still figuring out the latter sometimes.

Pausing gives me a chance to feel everything. Or nothing.

I think about my day to day activities and say to myself that despite all the rush, I am still in control -- for the most part at least. Then I start dreaming again, with my eyes wide open this time. I think about all the cheerful things and relax. I do this for as long as I can. I do this until the time comes when I have to rush again. Just for this short moment I let things flow. And I realize that at any age, I can be dreamy. It gives me something to look forward to.

Have you dreamed lately?

_engaged_

Take a peek at my best friend and her fiance's engagement shoot at the beautiful Bella Roca Resort in Marinduque a.k.a. Santorini of the Philippines:

B, Sam and Bella Roca



Lovely, isn't it? :)

_sound_

I lost the excitement for surprises in my late 20's when I realized that it's not easy to surprise me. It's no fun surprising me - at all. I always, always, manage to spoil the surprise. Curiosity really does kill the cat.

But there was one thing that totally caught me off guard. Healing came as a surprise. I had no idea it was coming my way. I didn't expect to be immensely healed and for it to be happening when it did.

With healing came happiness.

I guess, it still holds true, that things happen when you least expect them, more so when you try to avoid it. Although I must admit that I knew that the idea of being healed again is a steady light bulb at the edge of my vision. It's always there. It's always switched on.

Once again I learned that nothing is ever promised. Cherish what you have now. And like what my friend Jayvee told me, I should lock my happiness and throw away the key.

And I just have to say...I never understood what it felt like to be swept off your feet.

Until now.

LOCATION BREAKDOWN FOR VOLUNTEERS AND DONATIONS FOR VICTIMS OF TYPHOON ONDOY

Bayanihan is indeed alive.

Reposting from superbianca's blog.

QUEZON CITY:

- go to ateneo de manila university, katipunan avenue, and proceed to the college covered courts to volunteer. shifts are in three hour cycles. you can go as early as 6AM but it goes on the whole day.

- please bring packed/cooked food to 12 Denmark, Loyola Grand Villas, QC, and help @patriciahizon whose group was the only one helping the victims in tumana today.

- TULONG BAYAN, to volunteer, just go to Balay Expo Center in Cubao, Edsa cor McArthur, 8AM onwards. contact (02) 9137122 and look for Mary, May or Cam

- donations accepted in MIRIAM COLLEGE insa office.

- donations also accepted in UP DILIMAN student council office at vinzons hall.

- for the GMA Kapuso Foundation, you can drop your donations at Samar St. cor GMA Network drive, QC. Behind GMA complex. Beside Malayan Bank. Tel # 9284299, 9289351, 9827777.

- for those who want to volunteer for sagip kapamilya: call 4132667/4160387, or go to #13 examiner st., west triangle, QC

- the other address for sagip kapamilya is sct. bayoran corner tomas morato. look for Girlie Aragon or Jet at 0916-7227806 or 0929-5348176

- this is the REAL SAGIP KAPAMILYA ACCOUNT for your donations: banco de oro #56 300 20111 under abs-cbn foundation. to all those spreading fake accounts, please naman..

MANILA:

- DLSU along taft avenue will be accepting any and all kinds of donations starting 830AM.

- csb alumni also accepting donations at 9/f dls-csb school of design and arts building, along pablo ocampo street, vito cruz.

- UST is also accepting your donations, proceed to the Tan Yan Kee Student Center.

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in malate, call 5221212 or visit the victory website.

PASIG:

- MEGATENT, Meralco Ave, Ortigas beside Renaissance: need more volunteers and donations! Very big space! Open 24 hrs til Friday!

- according to @margaga, poveda school (beside galleria) opens 9AM tomorrow and is open to all volunteers and any kind of donations.

- according to @angel21kawaii, CFC Center in Ortigas is receiving donations in cash or in kind. Call (02)7270682-87 or 09195359036.

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in ortigas, contact 6311212 or visit the victory website.

MANDALUYONG:

- GAWAD KALINGA is accepting volunteers and donations, base is RFM gym in pioneer. Contact Raul Dizon 09178888109 and Felice Caringal 09178888304. for other GK sites you can help out, check out this blog.

MAKATI:

- White Space in Pasong Tamo ext. / Chino Roces is in need of volunteers to pack goods

- you can drop of your donations at Assumption College, San Lorenzo Village, Makati

- you can drop off your donations at the following stores in rockwell powerplant mall: aranaz, luca, greyone social.

TAGUIG or FORT area:

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in the fort, you can call 8171212 or visit the victory website.

- you can drop off your donations in embassy superclub in the fort.

PASAY:

- @elizabacud shares that Manila Doctors College will also be accepting donations. Bring anything that can help at Speech Lab., Macapagal Blvd, PasayCity

SAN JUAN:

- La Salle Greenhills, Xavier School, and ICA (right beside Xavier) are also accepting donations. Xavier will be accepting goods till 12midnight.

FAIRVIEW area:

- Help needed in Fairview and Novaliches. Please send clothes, food, water, meds & blankets to the Divine Savior Parish in North Fairview.

SOUTH (alabang, las pinas, paranaque):

- drop donations or volunteer at DE LA SALLE ZOBEL. Contact Ms. Angie Brazan at the Social Action Office 0917-8597602

- you can drop donations at the ATC concierge, call 8422782 or 7721860

- san beda alabang in alabang hills village is also accepting donations

- you can help pack donations 10AM at st. james church, ayala alabang village

- you may volunteer at Red Cross Alabang - ATC along Zapote Road fronting National Bookstore call 8097131 for info

- CFC center in Las Pinas City is accepting donations. it is near Verdant and in front of the construction of SM Center Las Pinas. Contact 09174493154 / 8460809

- There are two new drop-off points for relief goods. Recipients will be various areas, including flooded Para�aque & Muntinlupa areas. You can get in touch with Jeff Tagle (09178875824) and Katrina Villareal (09175298332) respectively for details.

BAGUIO:

- donations can be dropped off at the ABSCBN Baguio Office

- donations are also accepted at the Baguio Convention Center Executive Room from 10am til 4pm starting tomorrow til Friday. Volunteers are urged to come.

- Organizing a soup kitchen. Baguio donating vegetables to arrive via Victory Liner. Contact Dave at 09178396179.

BULACAN:

- RedCross bulacan accepts donations. It is located in Malolos Bulacan, near bulacan capitol :)

CAGAYAN:

- send your donations to the kkp office in xavier university, ATENEO DE CAGAYAN.

CAVITE:

- DLSU-Dasmarinas is also accepting donations, pls proceed to the 2nd floor of SBC Building

BATANGAS:

- DE LA SALLE LIPA is now accepting your donations, drop off point is at the college lobby.

CEBU:

- details on how you can donate are on noelle's blog or the living for a cause blog.

DUMAGUETE and NEGROS area:

- People here in Dumaguete or in Negros Oriental can send their donations to Silliman University. contact @princessngaako on twitter for more details.

BACOLOD:

- For your donations, drop off center is at the Coliseum in the University of St. La Salle. 435-3857

- CAFE BREIZH wil be a drop off center for donations. text 09193651101 for details.

DAVAO:

- ATENEO DE DAVAO is accepting in kind donations for ondoy. drop off at the samahan office in jacinto campus.

- BANTAY BATA 163 davao located at matina,davao city is also a drop off point for any in-kind donations.

ZAMBOANGA:

- ATENEO DE ZAMBOANGA is accepting donations. You may bring them to the SACSI office. Look for Alma Curesma, 991-0871, loc 2224 or 2225.

for PETS in need of aid:

- @kimmydeleon is announcing that PARC is open for animals. Click this site for info of PAWS for helping from the flood. for the official website of paws, click here

for those in SINGAPORE:

- dropoff for relief goods is @ airfreight lucky plaza #03-09. can call 62351011, they are open up to 7pm.

- pinoys are mobilizing and gathering donations, visit this forum for more details.

for those in SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA:

- you can deliver relief goods to 303/5 Stromboli Strait, Homebush Bay 2127. you can also contact through twitter at @allorange if you want to arrange for a pick up in the city

for those in CANADA:

- TORONTO - pinoys are spearheading efforts to help, visit this website for details.

- WINNIPEG - the Philippine Community Centre of Manitoba here in Winnipeg Canada started to raise money for the victims today

for those based in BELGIUM:

- from @SayChiz, they can contact Shiera Catalan at +32485328811 if they want to donate goods for typhoon relief

for anyone in the UNITED STATES:

- you can call the ABS-CBN US Helpline at 1-800-5272820 to know how you can help

- also, you can donate through the kapuso foundation site.

- with your credit card, donate via the the abs-cbn foundation.

- for those in california, Island Pacific Supermarket is gathering donations to be shipped to the Philippines

- SAN FRANCISCO - 5750 Mission Street, San Francisco, CA 94112 For details call 510-750-3036, 209-3499576, 415-239-9576

- LOS ANGELES - Manila Forwarder Headquarters 4249 Eagle Rock Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90065 1.800.210.1019323. 478.1599

- NEW YORK - NYC Disaster Relief drop off center @ Pandayan Center 406 W40th St. Between 9th and 10th Aves. NY, NY 10018 or 212.564.6057.

- NEW JERSEY - NJ drop off Sinugba Cafe or Casa Victoria or (201)621-3156 -Yves Nibungco

for those in the UK:

- you can donate through OXFAM on their official website.

for anyone else ABROAD who wants to help:

- you can donate through the paypal account link on this site.

- the official website of the PHILIPPINE RED CROSS has a complete listing of how you can donate to them.

- the ayala foundation is also accepting your donations through their website.

- you can donate through the kapuso foundation site.

- you can use your credit card to donate via the the abs-cbn foundation.

- donate rice through the UN's World Food Programme through their official website.

OTHER FORMS OF HELP FOR YOU:

NEED TO SEND YOUR DONATIONS? Mail & More, FedEx & Air21 outlets are now accepting donations. For locations please call 8794789 or log to their official website.

PAL IS OFFERING FREE AIRLIFT FOR DONATIONS. for details, click on the pal website.

TO REPORT MISSING LOVED ONES OR AREAS IN NEED OF HELP: call the SAGIP KAPAMILYA HOTLINES at 4110011, 4110012, 4110013.

HOTLINES FOR MISSING PERSONS:
marikina - 09209389914
qc - 09216555262
pasig - 09189356318
cainta - 09175606241.

DATABASE OF ONDOY VICTIMS AND EVACUATION CENTERS: click on the ateneotaskforceondoy website.

FOR CAR TOWING NEEDS: HONDA and NISSAN offer free towing! call 09228504452, 09224452242, and 09228997959.

DONATIONS ON WHEELS!! if you have donations to give but no means to transport, contact 09189791229, 09177974098, 09326991794. don't worry guys, this is not a scam! its by friends of @jiggycruz!

WANT TO OFFER YOUR MEDICAL SERVICES? please submit your name and contact details to Dr. V. Gisbert 0917-8922807 and Dr. J. Sinon at 0917-5261345

_sam_

The things that make you YOU...

- your animated ways of talking
- your generosity
- your being helpful
- your wit
- your craziness
- your habit of breaking into a song whenever, wherever
- your exaggeration when you describe certain things that I or we do (aminin :P)
- your optimism
- your habit of hitting me whenever we watch something funny or romantic at the cinemas or on tv (please remember that I bruise easily :p)
- your superb cooking (naks!)
- your frankness
- your unbelievable high tolerance for alcohol
- your joyful ways
- your out of this world sense of humor
- your boldness
- your genuine concern whenever i feel sad (even without me telling you)
- your comforting ways everytime i'm heartbroken
- your protective ways when a random guy tries to come near me (i swear you scare them off)
- your sincere wish for me to be happy (especially in the love department)
- your love and honest to goodness friendship through the years

It's been years since I first met you and you're still all these things. I love you for everything and anything that you are.

I know that one day soon we will be going home to our own families, but until then, I want you know that you are the best roommate and best friend ever. :)

I love you bes. Happy happy 30th! ;)

p.s.
I really enjoyed your birthday weekend. We had a blast indeed, even if the sparklers made me choke. Haha! Now there's another thing to joke about me, huh? :P

_concealed_

Patience, for me, is a tricky substance. It seems I can't possess it, and yet I know, I have it in some such way.

I feel like I am still a patient woman after putting up with a lot of lousy things, and more triumphantly, with a few difficult people. I suspect, however, that maybe patience isn't what I have. I may simply be lacking the energy to fight, to demand, to defy at certain times. I tend to have little aptitude for arguments when I know it's pointless. Mind you, when I know I'm right, I will not shut up. It's one of my disorders in an otherwise harmonious living.

My understanding of patience may be amiss and is only existing to me. But whatever it is, it has saved me from further distress.

Or has it?

_full speed ahead_

SJC Trilogy


Check it out! :)

_edges_

I am grateful. Truly, I am.

But something tags at me every now and then. The answers are righ there, but I still keep on probing until it becomes obscure, yet again.

I know what I want and I resist it. I can't quite determine if it's due to fear or plain stubbornness.

It's not my habit to ask for signs probably because I don't exactly believe in them. But even without asking, I have to admit that signs just pop out of nowhere. Sometimes the signs are literally just right smack in front me -- brighter than neon lights. I still manage to ignore them.

So I'm back to square one. I continue to search. I search further. I end up more confused.

This is a maze with no exit.

_oblige_

It happened overnight -- more or less. In that time frame I managed to alter a part of my life. My life, therefore, is alterable.

I got tired of being upset and worried. Tired of pretending not to care that I was upset and worried. And possibly, tired of not even knowing what I was really upset and worried about. In between letting out a heavy sigh and furrowing my brows and biting my lips, I finally, finally got it. My agony was resembling foolishness. I had to stop it because it wasn't making any sense anymore. It simply went against sense.

Why is it always hard for us to practice what we preach? And even harder for us to see what's happening under our noses. Even when someone points out to us what's really going on, we make erratic rationalizations and stupid defenses. We ignore what's really out there -- the truth. We ignore it because it hurts, and for most of us, we're naturally escapists.

But you wake up to actuality -- in your own style, own time. For some people, it takes something grand for this to take place. In my case, however, it was hearing the silence after shredding a paper. After that sharp sound, it's calmness. Stillness. That same calmness overpowered me.

And I allowed it.

_roll_

I was surprised -- and pleased -- to know that I have become more forgiving over the years. Getting hurt now, compared to getting hurt 10 years ago, really makes a huuuge difference. Simply put, my perspective has changed. That's what happens when you grow older. :)

In my younger years (which was not so long ago hehe :P), whenever something bad happens to me, I always ask God WHY? I kept asking what I did to deserve such treatment.

While I still believe that misfortunes can happen, I have at least stopped believing that life is unfair. Maturity led me to believe that when awful things happen to unsuspecting good people, God is not being cruel to them....to me. :)

It's just life taking place.

_trace_

That I was soul searching during our recent trip to Taipei was a bit exaggerated. :P But somehow, I really did "find" something when I was there.

I had a few hours to explore the city by myself. Going for a walk has always been my way of coping and reassessing. It was especially different when I was in Taipei. Since that "fateful day", it was the first time I really had time to think; to listen; to pay attention.

For a few minutes, perhaps hours, I allowed all the thoughts to occupy me. The problem with thinking is that overdoing it can give you a headache. I don't know if it was the heat (as I started walking just before noon) or hunger, or the language barrier, or that heavy thinking mode, or all of the above -- but after a while, I just wanted to splash ice cold water all over me. Anyhow, all those thoughts soaked me perfectly.

All those doubts I had -- all gone. All those questions I had -- all answered. Not all answers, however, were definite. I didn't get just Yes's and No's..I also got Maybe's.

My recent trip was, I might almost say, the very first time that I truly understood the difference between happiness and joy. My happiness is based on circumstances, while joy is my emotional well being. And while the opposite of happiness is unhappiness, the opposite of joy is fear.

And seriously, for the first time in my life, I actually appreciate my first name :) My nickname JAR would not be complete without it.

Taipei definitely left a mark on me...and I'm going back for sure.

_awaken_

The greater loneliness of our lives comes from our hesitations -- our unwillingness to indulge, our unwillingness to thrill ourselves, our unwillingness to just simply...GO! We seem to be dampening our inner weather every now and then.

But everyone knows, certainly I know, that we have a choice.

I had a choice. And I chose to end my misery. I realized that in some cases, the only cross to bear is the one I CHOOSE to carry.

I also realized that there is no point postponing my happiness and peace of my mind -- both of which I know I truly deserve.

Minsan hindi ko alam kung bakit pinahihirapan ko sarili ko...

_proceed_

There will always come a time when I will reach that fork in the road.

Whether I take the road less -- or perhaps even the one NEVER travelled -- I won't be scared. I know that all roads lead to somewhere. And once I reach that somewhere, I can claim it my own.

Then again, if one path doesn't kill me, at least I still have a chance to trek another;

_scale_

There is a reason why I want to give up.

But there is an even bigger reason why I choose not to.

_bunso_

Happy birthday to my dearest and most favorite sister, Justine :)

Remember that you are one of my answered prayers. As a kid, I prayed with all my faith to have a sister. :)

I know that you have a good head on your shoulders and you have a very good heart. Sana lang, bawas bawasan mo ang katarayan mo. :P

Ate will always be here for you. I love you!

_three_

It's easy to love someone when everything is going smoothly and all that feeling of being in love is simply overwhelming. It becomes natural to love someone when things are manageable. But you also love me even when loving me is difficult. Despite my out of this world peevishness and stubornness, you've never -- EVER -- given up on me, and that says a lot about you and our relationship.

Before I left for SG, I was against keeping a long distance relationship. But I have to admit that you made me realize that we could be different. Yes, it's hard and I rant about it, but we deal with it. We defy the distance.

I know that things will not always be perfect, but our love is enough to make me believe that the happy days will always outnumber the sad ones.

In case I haven't shown you enough, or said it warmly enough...

I love you.

Happy anniversary, Love. :)

_rough_

It is liberating, and also frightening, how much strength I could have. I can be incredibly strong if I choose to, but I don't know how much of that is real. I stop pretending for a moment and indulge in being weak. Weakness is altogether comforting. I don't really need strength and find answers right away. For a reasonable amount of time, I just need comfort -- from someone. Anyone. While this is a tad too taxing for others to give, the truth is, it's the only thing.

_flare_

no matter how well a person knows you or how perfectly you express your thoughts, it is inevitable that you will be misunderstood. there is almost something agonizing about it.

_barely_

I was right all along. Long distance relationships are a pain. But I went ahead and took the plunge.

Don't ever, ever, follow my footsteps.

_in between_

Can you really NOT have the best of both worlds?

The life altering decision I have to make soon will largely depend on my answer to the question above.

Yes, I've put a lot of time thinking and praying about this...but I'm still uncertain at this point.

16,000 lost jobs last year

This was the headline in Saturday's Straits Times.

And this is in Singapore alone. Recession is a global concern and Singapore is definitely not saved from it.

Whenever I'm pissed about work, perhaps I should remember that I am still lucky. This doesn't mean that I will do my work half baked. I have learned that even if you don't exactly have the job of your dreams, you must still do your best.

Here's to doing our best. :) And I truly wish that we can all survive this crisis.

Gong Xi Fat Chai

-- Chinese New Year at River Hong Bao with Bes --

Singaporeans may not celebrate Christmas and New Year's as grand as Pinoys do, but they surely make up for it during Chinese New Year. I've never seen Singapore so lively.

Happy Year of the Ox!

Cheers to my first Chinese New Year in a country that truly celebrates it. :)

decisions, decisions, decisions

Between now and June, I have to make a very big decision on a very important aspect of my life.

June seems quite far away, but there are just so many factors to consider.

I have options A and B, but both options seem to be of equal value and it makes the decision making part harder for me.

My friend told me, "You'll know you've made the right decision when you pick out the most difficult choice but your heart is at peace."

I hope my heart will be at peace.

tick tock tick tock...

In less than an hour, I will say goodbye to the 20's life. It's been...awesome.

Bukas na ang ma-emote na entry :)

Wow. This is my very last post as a 20 something haha! Bukas, ibang age bracket na ako. :P

December na

...and nothing can really beat the Christmas spirit in the Philippines.

Christmas this year will be very interesting and challenging for me. Pipilitin kong hindi umiyak.

It's bad enough that I am away from my loved ones, now my housemates are also going some place else on Christmas day.

Home alone. :( How does anyone spend Christmas alone??

Why Men Are Never Depressed :)

Got this from Tianne.

When you're having PMS and you read this, you'd really hate being a girl :P

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

_ashley, my tzu_

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY ASHLEY!!!! You bring so much joy to me and my family. Despite all the drama when I first got you, my family eventually fell in love you. Who wouldn't? :) (Mahal, thanks again for Ashley. Miss ka na ren nya :P)

Hehehe...parang kelan lang, I could carry her in one hand. Ngayon ang laki laki na!

Astig sya dito ha :P

*photos and notes courtesy of my sister, Justine :)

_lift_

An email from my brother:

----

"Good morning Ate.
Narinig kitang umiyak last night. Wag ka na malungkot ha. Malapit lang naman Singapore.
And I'm sorry hindi kita nabisita diyan. Pagtumagal ako dito, maaayos ko din yung pag renew ng passport ko. I love you!"

----

My family is not used to saying I love you to each other. But things changed since I got here.

On my mom's birthday, I called to greet her and I'm pretty sure it was the first time I ever told her I miss her.

Before coming here, I knew that homesickness will be part of working overseas. But I never thought it could be so unbearable. There are moments when I just feel like getting on the next plane out to Manila and not caring what's in store for me there. Yes, perhaps going back there will be harder. But the truth is, living anywhere in the world away from your loved ones is the hardest.

Everything I've heard about working overseas and the hardships that come with it, I now understand. I absolutely understand.

And I go through it every single day.

But then again, I should remember that coming here was an adventure. And it still is. No matter what happens, I'll survive. And I still feel so blessed. :)

_in the midst of hoping_

There were many factors that helped me slowly recover -- mostly prayers and constant support from my best friend, and this line which really caught my attention:

"when the real world around us makes so little sense, hope is the most beautiful of all irrationalities..."

I will keep praying...and believing.

quote

"It is only when you let go that life starts to grab you."

-- from Starworld's preview of Because I Said So

_sam_

You remain my inspiration when it comes to independent living and being strong. If people knew what you went through, they'd know what I'm talking about. Perhaps God really made you strong so you can also give support to your best friend when she's in pain :) Hehe. It's true what Carrie said in SATC.. “No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends."

Bes, thank you for reminding me that life is indeed worth living...and that I am worth loving. :) No matter where life leads me now, I'll definitely get by because of your support.

I am so lucky and thankful to have you as my best friend. Happy happy birthday!

I can't believe I am now here in SG and we can celebrate your birthday later :D Weee!!!! Sabi mo nga, 5 years (?) in the making ang pagiging housemates naten. :P

Love you bes ko!

_clouded_


i am in so much pain to see that "everything happens for a reason". and i honestly don't know what the hell i did to deserve this.

oh God, why me?

_bits and pieces_


-- Best wishes to newly wed couples (1)pao pao and gett and (2)arnel and mae!!! I'm sooo happy for you guys. Really wish I could be there on your wedding. Wrong timing ang pag alis ko :P

-- Happy National Day Singapore! We joined the celebration yesterday. According to Bes, we are proud to be residents of Singapore...wehehehe. We took the Singapore flyer (freaking expensive! 30SGD/pax!) while watching the parade/event. After dinner, we headed to Zouk. Galing ni DJ Aldrin. Hands down.

-- I am the first foreigner to be hired by our company (I have a Chinese colleague but she was already a Singapore Permanent Resident when she was hired). My employers think very highly of Filipinos. They worked with Pinoys when they were expats in Manila and they admire our attitude and work ethics. Syempre super proud ako to be Pinoy. And I will make sure that they won't regret hiring a Pinoy. :) They also admit that the Philippines is more interesting than Singapore. They are sooo right :P

-- From driving in Manila, I am now taking the public transport everyday. I really don't mind. The MRT, LRT and buses are very convenient and safe. But once in a while, I really miss driving. Maybe I can do that again when I visit Manila.

-- Indeed, it was an adventure finding a job in Singapore. Ask any foreigner who's been in my place and they would know what I'm talking about. Even if you are qualified (and even more qualified than the locals), the quota in hiring foreigners could hinder your chances of landing a job. The very first thing they ask you is "Are you Singaporean or PR (permanent resident)?" And once you say NO, they wouldn't entertain your job application. I am very thankful that I found a job and I am trying to help our kababayans who are still jobhunting to also land a job.

-- When I was jobhunting, God has really tested my patience. But in so many ways, He made His presence felt. And it was really important that I got the support of my family, friends and most especially, my Love. (Love, like I said before, I wouldn't have the courage to fly to Singapore if it weren't for you. I love you and I find strength knowing that you always believe in me.)

_ignite_


if horoscopes are true, then this year is proving to be difficult for people born in the year of the horse. this is my most frustrating and depressing year ever...and no, it's not because i'm turning 30 this year :)

they say that you should work hard for your future and that you can only depend on nobody else but yourself. so i'm doing just that. very soon i'll be packing my bags and start working on the future that's hopefully meant for me.

_clasp_


maybe i've done all i could. maybe i haven't. i need to think things over -- immensely. and probably for the first time i don't need anyone to listen. all i need is ME. i need to listen to myself...what my heart and mind say.

perhaps we can't grasp the real meaning of compromise. and until we can, or at least try to, we will continue to struggle.

_got cheeks?_


my boyfriend and i agreed that i should gain a little weight that will hopefully give me some cheeks. chubby cheeks like when i was six years old (see picture below)?

love, pag nagpataba naman kasi ako ngayon hindi na cute eh. :P nung 6 ako medyo papasa pa akong cute diba? :P

_rainless_


never have i imagined that things would almost always be this way. all this chasing is draining my energy. i get tired too, you know.

once in a while i also need to feel that i'm important. wanted. needed.

_target_


my younger brother has followed my footsteps and enrolled in a master's program in UP. the thing is, i may be the one to follow his footsteps if he gets to finish his thesis before i do. he only has 20 something units while i have 40 something, and i'm a part time student at that because i'm working (ok, was working). the serious writing mode i was supposed to be in last semester didn't happen because of a work project i did in Turkey. i'm afraid that the same thing will happen once i get back to work. as much as i'd like to concentrate on my thesis full time, i really can't afford to be jobless because thesis writing will also cost me money. i have no choice but to work and study at the same time. it also doesn't help that the professors i'd like to get as advisers are all retiring. :(

i really still have a year to go to finish my thesis on time. but i doubt if one year is enough. the only thing that encourages me to write my thesis is my friend's constant encouragement. he keeps telling me that all those years of studying, writing and presenting reports, producing baby theses, writing curriculum plans, would all be worthless if we give up now.

it will take me lots of time, effort and brains to finish my thesis. and i have to work on all three. :P but i WILL do it.

i will get that elusive diploma. i have to finish my MA if i still want to pursue a Ph.D later on.

so help me God.

_tanned_




6 days of sun worshipping in Boracay was very much fun. Now I'm back to reality. Harsh reality? :/ Oh well, I'll deal with it.

In the meantime, let me share with you our pictures from Boracay. Preview photos are at A Glimpse of Boracay 2008

The rest of the albums are found at Kaleine's Photos

Enjoy viewing and enjoy the rest of the summer! :)

_undertone_


my world is captivated by sudden twists that are either made up of confusion or clarity.

what i find most unfair is that all the hard work and sacrifices are rubbed out by a single incident. a painful incident. i become detached from everything and everyone that matters to me. the feeling of being misunderstood grows by the minute.

i long for acceptance, understanding and affection, all of which are denied me or which i feel i am in no position to demand.

i hear talking, mumbling, sighing. but what i hear most is nothing, because the rest is a heap of silence.

_curb_


i get caught between asking what's probable and asking what possibilities remain. it is having the courage and losing it in the next breath. it is knowing i am strong but realizing that it's just what i keep telling myself.

there are certain obstacles i need to face but i'm really tempted to just look away. i'm pretending that the latter is a better option. i know it's a cheat, but for now, it works for me. after all, if they say that timing is everything, then i'll deal with it...when the timing is right.

it could take forever though. :/

_keyhole_


some people have a habit of keeping their loved ones in the dark in the hope of protecting them. but when the truth comes out, these people who were kept in the dark wouldn't feel protected, rather, they would feel betrayed. confused. lost. stupid. and they wouldn't know which emotion should exist first. and at some point, these emotions can be felt all at the same time.

i should know, it happened to me. in fact, it's still happening to me.

other than the piercing little detail that i was the last one to know, i also found out about it on new year's day. new year's day! wow. what a way to start the year, huh? God was testing my strength on the very first day of the year.

i keep thinking that finding out the big ugly secret earns me the right to stop respecting this certain person. but that's not applicable here. my case is oddly different. i am forced to show respect to someone who continues to betray us.

this. is. hell.

_2008_

happy new year everyone!

hope you guys are safe.

_flow_


amidst these moments of agitation, i suppose, there is bliss to be awaited, to be experienced. it is particularly more difficult to grasp what is going on if i will remain discouraged.

there are endings. there are beginnings. and i should be aware when one is happening. but most importantly, i should remember to thrive in between. i do not desire to reach a point where i am realizing that my existence is merely split into two directions: the past and the future. i need my middle...and i want it in its greatest possible form.

so i won't waste my time sulking. not anymore.

_i hate winter but i love this city_

we survived our first work week in Istanbul.

we haven't had time to take pictures. in the meantime, I'll post these pictures that were researched by Love. hehe. ironically, he's seen more interesting pictures of Istanbul than I have.

Levent Skyline in Istanbul. The tallest building you see (the one with a logo that looks like a dollar sign), is our office.
Our office is the tallest building in Turkey. Pretty neat, huh?
It's really beautiful especially at night

I'll blog more next time...that is, if I find the time.

Take care you guys! I heard what happened in Manila this week (earthquake and that incident in Makati), and it's worrying us badly.

_smoke_


whatever it is that's in front of me is made up of gentleness. and it is up to me, entirely up to me, if i will tear it or not.

this privilege is perfect, and yet a pain.

_unsettled_


there is something here that speaks of what you really deem important and how you've tried to deny it. i never thought that something so superficial can be so relevant and could be so much of an issue.

suddenly, i feel like the ugliest and least confident person in the world.

the worst thing is, i never expected YOU to be that person who makes me feel this way. not now, not ever.





it's a little bit alarming.

fan of Inday? if you don't know who i'm talking about then you probably don't own a cellphone. :P

anyway, i just learned that she (or whoever is the author behind all this) has a blog too:

http://blogniinday.wordpress.com

laugh trip! :D

i swear, ang galing ng nagsusulat na to! the blog landed 6th in the top 10 english blogs in wordpress.

_serious writing mode: soon_


semester's over. i'm also done with all my academic subjects. but the worst is yet to come. i will start writing my thesis next sem...and God knows how many semesters it will take me to finish it. choosing a topic is already a challenge, what more when it comes to the actual work? as what i would say to my classmates, "kelangan pa mag moments mag isa sa tagaytay para lang makapag isip ng topic." so if you see me in tagaytay and i'm alone, don't disturb me. :P

wish me luck. i'm a thesis virgin. oh, and if you are, or know someone who is a statistician, lemme know. ;) hmmm...what's the fee of statisticians anyway? hay. pahirapan na, mamumulubi pa.

now i'm trying to recall what made me enroll in a master's degree in the first place. *sigh* i probably forgot that it was a thesis course that i was getting into.

now i'm trapped. :|

everything is great. just great. but everything is also temporary.

i don't believe in forever.








never did.

_quicksand_


we never outgrow the need to share what it feels like to live in our private worlds; to share our unique experiences. our problems. our frustrations. this is why a sympathetic ear is important in human relationships -- and exactly why the failure to be heard is painful.

jumping in to say what's on our minds before realizing where the other person is coming from, takes away the possibility of getting a little sympathy. not a lot of sympathy, just a little. and really, that's all it takes.

as it is, we experience things differently. and we react differently. and we recover differently.

i do not expect someone to fully understand what i'm going through (as it could be almost impossible at times). i only need someone to acknowledge the fact that i am indeed having a rough time and that i have to cope the only way i know how; someone who won't make me feel that my approach to the situation is not necessarily exaggerating.

there is a reason-- a deeper reason -- why i cry. and it's not just because i CAN (not "am", but "can") be overly -- almost irritatingly emotional (and i hate it). i cry because there are moments when i cannot find the comfort i am looking for...

i guess, sometimes, it's better not to share. there was a phase in my life where i kept everything to myself. maybe i should try doing that again.

_my bes_


when i was in grade school and high school, i always ended up losing my best friend -- not to death, but to other less tragic reasons. either she would go abroad, transfer schools, or we would have different interests and simply grow apart. when you're a kid and your friend likes doing other things, it's easy to lose contact.

so when i entered college, i vowed never to call someone my best friend again. sure i'd have close friends, but i wouldn't dare label someone as my best friend. i thought, who needed one anyway?

years went by, and i started working right after graduation. yup, still bestfriend-less. a couple more years went by and i ended up working at Sykes. while i was there, i established a great friendship with this girl. it was unexpected. and to think that our friendship culminated after a fight. yes, that's when the infamous line "you think you're so perfect" started. that's when we became best friends.

i think i would have still lived a good life if i didn't have a best friend. but it's definitely better that i do. in fact, i now have three...you, Love and jayvs. :)

every woman should have a friend whom she can trust completely, who would always give advice no matter how painfully true they are, who would always believe in her and be proud of her, who would remain connected to her even when they are countries apart. :) bes, thank you for being that person to me. have a wonderful, wonderful birthday!

_bliss_


i feel wonderfully blessed to be in a relationship that never makes me feel suffocated. while i still enjoy the same freedom and independence i had when i was unattached, i feel a great sense of belongingness and an acceptable level of dependency to you. dependency in a good way, the kind that makes me feel...safe. i just realized that you are the first guy who made me feel such. :)

i have so many things to thank you for. but i can sum it up to this: thank you for letting me experience a love binded in trust and respect.

it's really amazing how we ended up together. when i first met you, i never really imagined that i could be your girlfriend because i knew that you had high -- very, very, high standards -- in a girl. well, what do you know? i passed your standards. ;) and i guess, we found our match in each other. right? ;)


happy happy birthday, Love!

_pinhole_


what's mostly frustrating is not that you can't tell the truth - it's telling the truth and not being heard.

at all.

the problem is, i am talking to someone who has a preconceived notion about me. and every word that comes out of my mouth is just foreign language to her.

in an instant, i have a seething reaction to everything.

it could get worse. i am slowly becoming crippled by this rage. i know it's all so pointless in the end. i was told that it doesn't matter what other people think of you, as long as you know yourself and you know the truth, that's what's important. but on a fundamental level, i believe it SHOULD matter if these people are related to you. by blood. and i mean your immediate family.

i just feel it's worthless if it's only me who knows the truth. what good is a family if no one believes you?

_mesh_


i've had my share of complaints about being an adult. problems seem bigger as i mature, but it also means that i get greater chances of learning. over the years, i have gotten better at understanding the difference between making a living and making a life. i have managed to let go of crappy moments by realizing that i have more things to thank for. i have identified the people with whom, no matter how complicated things may get, i will never lose respect for.

each experience -- good or bad -- is represented by a string. the strings can get all tangled up, but they all account in forming a web. a rich and interesting web which makes absolute sense. it illustrates my life -- what i have done and what i have become so far. and i wouldn't dare cut a single string, for every single one of them is important.

i look forward to making my web tougher and richer -- i will need it to have a more solid base.

here's to living a life!

_relativity_


what do you do when neither speaking up nor remaining silent helps?

i seem to mess things up no matter what i choose to do. maybe i am the wrong variable in this equation.

i'm getting tired of solving this. i need a tutor. a people correlation tutor.

i can't remember the last time i was this mad, misunderstood and frustrated.

and i can't remember ever being this hurt by someone i truly care about.



this sucks.

_pink candle_


happiness comes in many forms, levels, and even lengths. a lot of times, people content themselves with these fleeting moments of happiness. they believe that a minute of happiness is better than not experiencing it at all.

i do too.

but at certain times it makes me want to believe otherwise, because once these moments are over, they are replaced by dullness and frustration. dullness and frustration that are choking me inside. dullness and frustration that leave me wondering if it's better if i had not experienced any amount of happiness at all.

and moreso than anything, the dullness and frustration leave me with a big question. was i truly happy...or was i just telling myself that i was happy?

i am leaning towards the latter. and it scares me.



maybe i need to light my pink candle.

i'm flying back to Manila tomorrow night.

goodbye, California (and Nevada hehe). see you again soon. :)

people are so busy that they forget the things that truly matter.

like me.














i'm entitled to be emotional.

_evolving_


indeed, time flies when you're having fun. i cannot, cannot, believe that tomorrow's the big day already.

i will run out of adjectives to describe you bes. :) but it all boils down to one thing -- that you are real. you've always been solid about being one.

even if i'm older than you (o one year lang yan ha. :P), most of the time i feel that you are the "ate" because i always look up to you.

i may be the most emotional person right now about your departure, but i guess, i am also the proudest. i am literally smiling while crying these past few weeks. :) i'm sad, but then again, this is what's best for you...and i want what's best for you.

thank you for giving me the most valuable friendship i will ever have. you will remain one of the most important people in my life. i love you Bes.

here's a little something i made for you:

Salam

(just get the video from there since the one i uploaded on youtube is a bit blurry)

_wobbly_

i missed the street which i was supposed to turn right to. i am guilty of thinking and driving. deep deep thinking yet still safe driving. it's amazing how i still end up alive and it's ironic that i get traffic tickets when i'm absolutely concentrated on the road.

i hit the gas pedal hard as i realized certain things to be real.

undiscovered turmoil and fever and a secondary fever of confusion, and then the astonishing relief from something wrong but probably right for me. i know this because the panic mode quickly turned into a calm one.

something became off-balance. i'm trying to determine which side it is. i'm going to either load or unload something. and that's the most difficult part --- deciding. i have to make the right choice because one wrong move would mean a permanent loss of stability.

_toward_


certain things happen to people that make them alter their almost permanent decisions. in this case, YOU happend to me. and it was a good thing -- a very very good thing. my life certainly began when we got together.

no matter how traumatized or negative i was, you made me a believer again, and a firm one at that. i said it once, twice, and i will never get tired of saying it: you are the guy -- the only guy -- who was man enough to prove to me that not all men are the same.

i have absolutely never felt more loved and valued. thank you for showing me what real love is about.

happy anniversary, Love. :)

_steering_


when things are going too well, expect something wrong (or weird) to happen. and i know i'm not the only one who thinks this way.

a few weeks back, on a tuesday afternoon, i was having a considerably normal and boring day. or so i thought. suddenly, i was a little bit out of my element.

the source? unknown.

i usually walk this off. but the rain prompted me to drive around the city. even driving relaxes me. amazing.

i found myself sitting on benches and chairs in different places: in a church, in a deserted commercial area that time of the year, and in a busy coffee shop.

all those sitting made me meditate...

despite being in control, you will reach a point when you will become powerless. despite being needed, you will still feel that there are minutes in a day when you are ignored.
despite being adequate, you will still feel deficient.
despite having it all, you will still feel that there's something you cannot have.


why? i don't know. and i will never figure these things out. i will just keep on experiencing them.

until the next city drive.

_axis_


i can finally tell what the problem is.

setting expectations.

depending on the day, i can either be idealistic or realistic. when the former is stronger, i set certain expectations on how one will act or speak. i was never a mind reader, yet somehow, i manage to assume how one will react. and when it doesn't go the way i expected, i am crushed. i find it hard to understand what just happened.

after knowing everything there is to know about NOT having expectations, i still end up expecting.

but it must be a normal thing. somewhere, wired into my system, there must exist a tiny nerve that registers the innate desire to be idealistic once in a while.
everyone is entitled to occasionally dream of an ideal world.

i guess there's nothing wrong with having expectations -- low or high. what i need to learn now, is to accept the outcome which may or may not match what i envisioned. i can't believe that at this point my life, i still have to learn how to do this.

i need to remember that things come and go. people and come and go. the rest is a residue that i have to deal with. and that's what is expected of me.

_hold_


at the beginning of 2006, i was filled with optimism and warmth...with high hopes that it would be a good year for me.

and it was.

it was the year of a new and better career, a more interesting life in grad school, a home (still) filled with drama -- but a home nonetheless (and i think it'll always be that way and i have learned to live with it), a deeper and growing friendship...and the year when i finally and officially let someone have my heart (and that someone happens to be the only one deserving *wink*).

in 2006, my life started to build upward and outward. i was still prone to sadness and misery, but i have become far more balanced and less prone to giving up.

here's hoping that 2007 will be as wonderful...maybe even more.

happy 2007 everyone!

_warmth_

_luminous_


i know i'm losing it when everybody's words don't make sense to me anymore. it's when people start giving their litany pieces of advice and everything just sounds gibberish. i know they have every good intention and they may think that their advice can help, but in moments like this, all i want to do is ask them to shut up. (but i don't do it. maybe one day i will)

most importantly, i know i'm off-track when, in the shortest moment possible, i had second thoughts about the one thing i can always trust.

my instincts.

abstractions and loose statements. the seemingly petty and harmless aspects CAN and WILL one day surprise you with a strong presence. so strong that it can throw you off balance, even for just a split second. an all important split second.

serious embarrassment is what i felt during that one second. how could i NOT trust my instincts? but then again, who validates one's instincts?

i have never heard anyone say "don't trust your instincts." they always say it in an affirmative and encouraging way: trust. your. instincts.

just a few days ago, i learned -- in an immodest way -- the value of trusting my own intuition. and for me to doubt it is almost unforgivable.

my instincts and my faith in Him definitely cleared the air. it also made me laugh at the realization that people's unfounded allegations don't deserve my attention.

they are puzzles not worth solving.

_spin_


"apparently, there's a downside to being polite", said Bree in Desperate Housewives. in the same manner, there's a downside to being ethical. it is surprising, ironic even, to feel guilty after being supposedly noble, or even just nice.

we have all felt guilty of something we did -- something wrong. under weird circumstances, however, i feel guilty for doing something right.

it's probably a combination of guilt and lamentation. a series of "i should've just" statements run through my head:

i should've just lied
i should've just been bitchy
i should've just not cared

i never thought i'd be disappointed for those certain times that i have been principled and faithful. i am trying hard to understand why i am being punished for having a good heart.
i'm not willing to become a heartless person -- just yet. but the idea to become one is very tempting when your day is getting all fucked up.

i'm no saint. i can be an awful person at times. but i think i'm a well-disposed being in general. and with the good deeds i've done, no matter how little they are, i somehow expect the world to reciprocate. i'm not asking too much, am i?

the concept of good karma is something i still believe in. it just takes time.
i'm waiting for it to surprise me one day. it would be especially sweet if it surprises me during a time when i least expect it and need it most. so i'll wait.

perversely, i'll wait.

_ground_


people make time for what they want.

i recognized early on in life that there is no such thing as being busy -- the 24/7 kind.

countless, countless times have we uttered the words "i'm busy", sometimes even without thinking what we're really busy about.

the same concept applies to what i have known all these years but never came close to admitting.

i am busy...busy running away from what i want. and what i want translates to what i need. because right now, what i want, is the only thing that will shut them up. i'm not in the mood to elaborate on that.

i have been too apprehensive to move forward and too confused where to direct my gaze.

for the first time, i should not be content with...just this. i'm not saying that i'm not grateful -- because i am. but i should be pushing my boundaries. just because i can.

all this time, certain events have been telling me one simple truth: everything i want is outside my comfort zone.

and right this moment, i finally listened.

_needle_


it's been said and oftentimes repeated, that time heals all wounds.

or maybe it just makes you get used to the pain.

either way, you will eventually get to the place where you can finally say that it's over. not alright -- just over.

you feel a controlling weariness, not because of what they've done -- no matter how wrong it was -- but because something you once believed that will always be yours is now gone. for good. your bag of good spirits is emptied out.

you stare at the wall, and another wall. anything you look at appears the same. you breathe in the air that carries the emptiness, the tiredness and even the annoying shame that comes with it. there's nothing much left to do and there's nowhere to go but here. just here. where the truth is. the truth will never change and it definitely won't leave you. so figure out a way around it.

what you realize now is that some decisions are not difficult to make -- they're just painful, sometimes even a torture. and you're gonna need more time, not to be healed, but to get used to it.

_shoestring_


i have yet to feel that release of pressure around my ribs. i may have been forgiven, but i'm not sure if i have been understood.

whenever people tell me "it's okay", i always want to ask a bunch of follow up questions -- are you sure? how come it doesn't feel ok? how can we just get past this without even pondering first?

i would end up nodding in agreement, with my forehead wrinkled because those little questions are still hanging over me.

and so, we just let it pass. everything appears so right. so normal. but there would always be a moment -- half a moment -- when i'd feel that there's a tiny misfigured detail. i can't ignore it. and i keep thinking that it's still my fault.

was i trying too hard? maybe.
okay. but was that so wrong?

if only things happened as planned, instead of what did. this isn't one of those episodes when i can easily apply the art of flexibility. i refuse to adjust to the situation so quickly.

it's gonna take a while before i shake off this feeling of guilt. i'm getting accustomed to the sharp way of my breathing these days.

_how well do i know me?_


there's always something about other people's attitude that can tick you off. and unless you have the patience of a saint -- i know i don't -- the only other option is not to pay attention. well, that's easy.

until that person turns out to be me.

how can i ignore me altogether?

i thought i always knew the kind of personality i have. and i always believed that no one should know myself better than me. but sporadically, i would find myself behaving like someone very different from what is expected of me; doing something i shouldn't be doing; feeling something i shouldn't be feeling; saying something i shouldn't be saying. all these "somethings" just mean one thing: something stupid.

it's one of the most absurd lines, and i swear i heard myself grunt when i thought of typing this, but simply put -- i wasn't being myself. and no one is more surprised and disappointed than yours truly. and no, this is not a case of discovering something new about me.

i hate how i've become -- no matter how short or unintentional it is -- someone i never want to be. all the years of saying to myself "i will never be like this, or that" is nothing but a hollow statement now.

after what happened, all i had was shame coming to me and i didn't know how to handle it. i wanted to say i'm sorry. the feeling soared in my body but when it finally reached my mouth, it had no voice, no words. just a lot of air and frustration.

i made a mistake and now i can't get myself together. somehow, it's harder to make an apology when you can't even understand why you displayed such stupidity in the first place. oh yeah, i know...i wasn't being myself.

as if anyone would buy that.


(currently my favorite picture. go figure.)

_either it makes or breaks you_


at one point, i managed to adjust to the permanence of having fear in my life -- any man's life. i have understood that it is something normal.

there are certain fears that i allow myself to have. i label them as valid fears.
i just have to let them play their lit-tle roles in my life without letting them control me. no matter how hard i try, no matter how brave i may one day become, no matter how much i believe that i can disregard them, they will never leave the vulnerable places in me.

i will just have to deal with them (with the hope that i will not collide).

on the other hand, there are fears that are simply there to intimidate me -- those that are baseless and trivial. i stand in them for too long until it seemed that i melted right into them. either that, or i had to trade in a pack of faith for a pack of superficial fears. i later found out that the former -- although heavier -- was what i needed to always carry around with me.

i think this line says it all:

"Many fears, like soap bubbles, are all show and of very little substance. One prick with the pin of faith and they vanish." --> taken from my friend's daily inspirational reads

so unless it is a valid fear, i would simply prick it with a pin of strong faith.

so help me God.

_yet_


you would think, that after almost 3 years of owning blogs, it'll be easy for me to open up to the world (even if it's just in writing).

not exactly.

it's a torture for me to tell someone that he/she hurt me. i grew up in a home where people don't talk to each other -- i mean REAL talk. the kind of conversations that open forums are made of.

once, years ago, i tried speaking up. but injury came to me in all forms: physically, emotionally, mentally. that's what came to me if i opened my mouth. i vowed never to speak up again. whatever emotional turbulence i experience at home should remain obscure. i will (and have) become contented and comforted dealing with such pains on my own.

however, there are places beyond home and somehow i found a venue to develop my skill of opening up -- at least to non-family members. but it didn't give me the results i wanted, let alone, needed. revelation lost whatever edge it had. i thought that disclosure would finally bring clarity to things. it made absolute sense, right?

wrong.

even after a number of attempts of uncovering my innermost thoughts and feelings, i am still misunderstood. i have done all -- and i mean ALL -- i could to present things in black and white, yet it appears gray to the other person.

nothing has improved. nothing has changed.

my theory is that all the years of concealing my opinion spawned my inept ability to get my message across. it saddens me that no words can actually represent what i want to say. i am uncertain if i will ever make that accurate connection to anyone.

this is even more frustrating. i finally learned how to handle a confrontation but it proves to be futile.

it's like a rehearsal for the performance that never takes place.

_paddling through_


does everything REALLY happen for a reason? do they have to?

today i suddenly started wondering why we are so convinced that things do happen for a reason. (it must be the weather.)



people can just attach a reason for every human action. i am amazed at how we do this. are we simply justifying things that are happening to us? because when i try to weave the so-called reasons behind the events in my life, i come up with different categories.

there are reasons that are rational, and there are reasons that are downright ridiculous; others i deserve, and others i don't (or i refuse to accept that i do); some reasons are justified, and some are not; some are obvious, some are blurred; some are enlightening, and some are irritatingly confusing.

most of all, some are known, and some are not. the question is, do we want to know it all?

this is another interesting contrast in life: we find so damn hard to search for meanings, but other times, we try to figure out if there's a way of not knowing. either way, there's always a big question mark right smack in the middle.

_knocking on closed, cold, and opinionated hearts_


before you go hatin' someone because of what another someone told you...

get both sides of the story first. and fast.

it'll save you a huge amount of time -- time you could've used being a friend instead of dwelling on hostility that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.




to someone:

i was initially surprised why you were so confident that you will not have any hatred in you.

now i understand. i clearly do.

you will not have any hatred -- only frustration that they never really knew you, or what was in your heart.

because they don't care.


to another someone:

i knew i could've said it aloud to you as you delved into the territory of anguish. but i also didn't want to stop you from whining -- even if it weighs nothing now. at least it affords you a distraction, which is what you need.

nonetheless, i have to knock some sense into you because you're all consumed in disgust. i need to have at least parallel examples so you can believe. so that you, and the rest of them, can comprehend the theory behind what it is that unglued everyone from their seemingly normal lives.

oh, and one last thing: don't spend your lifetime planning on the perfect revenge. it's a stubborn way of dealing with all this. don't even try to make one small injury. it bleeds into another until the whole system tips over.

_when they start griping_


i'm not sure how to deal with friends who indulge in guilt tripping. whether it's intentional or not, it's just plain unsought for.

you know i'd love to be there for you, but there are times when i simply can't. and believe it or not, i have valid reasons why. besides, i didn't realize the sense of urgency. try to recall HOW you asked me about it. :|

no matter how i stretch my time, there will never be enough of jarjar for everyone. and i hope you see it the way i do -- that just because i can't be with you physically, it doesn't mean that i don't care. I DO. and you should know me better than that. i am your friend, and you don't need to see me 24/7 to prove this.

perhaps this is His way of telling you that there are things you have to deal with on your own.

i should know. i've been there a lot of times. and i re-emerge stronger and braver every time.