_yet_


you would think, that after almost 3 years of owning blogs, it'll be easy for me to open up to the world (even if it's just in writing).

not exactly.

it's a torture for me to tell someone that he/she hurt me. i grew up in a home where people don't talk to each other -- i mean REAL talk. the kind of conversations that open forums are made of.

once, years ago, i tried speaking up. but injury came to me in all forms: physically, emotionally, mentally. that's what came to me if i opened my mouth. i vowed never to speak up again. whatever emotional turbulence i experience at home should remain obscure. i will (and have) become contented and comforted dealing with such pains on my own.

however, there are places beyond home and somehow i found a venue to develop my skill of opening up -- at least to non-family members. but it didn't give me the results i wanted, let alone, needed. revelation lost whatever edge it had. i thought that disclosure would finally bring clarity to things. it made absolute sense, right?

wrong.

even after a number of attempts of uncovering my innermost thoughts and feelings, i am still misunderstood. i have done all -- and i mean ALL -- i could to present things in black and white, yet it appears gray to the other person.

nothing has improved. nothing has changed.

my theory is that all the years of concealing my opinion spawned my inept ability to get my message across. it saddens me that no words can actually represent what i want to say. i am uncertain if i will ever make that accurate connection to anyone.

this is even more frustrating. i finally learned how to handle a confrontation but it proves to be futile.

it's like a rehearsal for the performance that never takes place.