_luminous_


i know i'm losing it when everybody's words don't make sense to me anymore. it's when people start giving their litany pieces of advice and everything just sounds gibberish. i know they have every good intention and they may think that their advice can help, but in moments like this, all i want to do is ask them to shut up. (but i don't do it. maybe one day i will)

most importantly, i know i'm off-track when, in the shortest moment possible, i had second thoughts about the one thing i can always trust.

my instincts.

abstractions and loose statements. the seemingly petty and harmless aspects CAN and WILL one day surprise you with a strong presence. so strong that it can throw you off balance, even for just a split second. an all important split second.

serious embarrassment is what i felt during that one second. how could i NOT trust my instincts? but then again, who validates one's instincts?

i have never heard anyone say "don't trust your instincts." they always say it in an affirmative and encouraging way: trust. your. instincts.

just a few days ago, i learned -- in an immodest way -- the value of trusting my own intuition. and for me to doubt it is almost unforgivable.

my instincts and my faith in Him definitely cleared the air. it also made me laugh at the realization that people's unfounded allegations don't deserve my attention.

they are puzzles not worth solving.

_spin_


"apparently, there's a downside to being polite", said Bree in Desperate Housewives. in the same manner, there's a downside to being ethical. it is surprising, ironic even, to feel guilty after being supposedly noble, or even just nice.

we have all felt guilty of something we did -- something wrong. under weird circumstances, however, i feel guilty for doing something right.

it's probably a combination of guilt and lamentation. a series of "i should've just" statements run through my head:

i should've just lied
i should've just been bitchy
i should've just not cared

i never thought i'd be disappointed for those certain times that i have been principled and faithful. i am trying hard to understand why i am being punished for having a good heart.
i'm not willing to become a heartless person -- just yet. but the idea to become one is very tempting when your day is getting all fucked up.

i'm no saint. i can be an awful person at times. but i think i'm a well-disposed being in general. and with the good deeds i've done, no matter how little they are, i somehow expect the world to reciprocate. i'm not asking too much, am i?

the concept of good karma is something i still believe in. it just takes time.
i'm waiting for it to surprise me one day. it would be especially sweet if it surprises me during a time when i least expect it and need it most. so i'll wait.

perversely, i'll wait.