_spin_


"apparently, there's a downside to being polite", said Bree in Desperate Housewives. in the same manner, there's a downside to being ethical. it is surprising, ironic even, to feel guilty after being supposedly noble, or even just nice.

we have all felt guilty of something we did -- something wrong. under weird circumstances, however, i feel guilty for doing something right.

it's probably a combination of guilt and lamentation. a series of "i should've just" statements run through my head:

i should've just lied
i should've just been bitchy
i should've just not cared

i never thought i'd be disappointed for those certain times that i have been principled and faithful. i am trying hard to understand why i am being punished for having a good heart.
i'm not willing to become a heartless person -- just yet. but the idea to become one is very tempting when your day is getting all fucked up.

i'm no saint. i can be an awful person at times. but i think i'm a well-disposed being in general. and with the good deeds i've done, no matter how little they are, i somehow expect the world to reciprocate. i'm not asking too much, am i?

the concept of good karma is something i still believe in. it just takes time.
i'm waiting for it to surprise me one day. it would be especially sweet if it surprises me during a time when i least expect it and need it most. so i'll wait.

perversely, i'll wait.