_shoestring_


i have yet to feel that release of pressure around my ribs. i may have been forgiven, but i'm not sure if i have been understood.

whenever people tell me "it's okay", i always want to ask a bunch of follow up questions -- are you sure? how come it doesn't feel ok? how can we just get past this without even pondering first?

i would end up nodding in agreement, with my forehead wrinkled because those little questions are still hanging over me.

and so, we just let it pass. everything appears so right. so normal. but there would always be a moment -- half a moment -- when i'd feel that there's a tiny misfigured detail. i can't ignore it. and i keep thinking that it's still my fault.

was i trying too hard? maybe.
okay. but was that so wrong?

if only things happened as planned, instead of what did. this isn't one of those episodes when i can easily apply the art of flexibility. i refuse to adjust to the situation so quickly.

it's gonna take a while before i shake off this feeling of guilt. i'm getting accustomed to the sharp way of my breathing these days.