_level_

It really is true -- that everything is fragmentary, and it's up to us to supply the missing link. I suspect, however, that sometimes the missing link remains just that -- missing.

I feel like I've done everything on my part, yet I still feel that somehow it's not enough. It's never enough. I give whatever I could, offer everything I could. Explained everything there is to explain -- and God knows how long that is. :P But there will always be something missing. There's always something the world withholds from me. Maybe it's supposed to be that way.

But for a long time I held on to a certain belief that there is an answer to everything. The answers could be vague or even bad, but THERE IS something. There is a door to everything. If only you could find it. If only I could find it.

And I want to find it now.

Waiting is particularly hard for someone like me. The heart of my problem, as I see it, is that I am -- as I have made it clear to most people -- not very patient. I'm sure the society (and by that I mean my mother) agrees with this. I am surprised to learn, however, that despite my being patience challenged, I have certain qualities of martyrdom when it comes to that one thing that makes us all fools.

Why do I feel that everything is pointless despite all the efforts we put in?

I'm tired. And I am running on low fuel.





*Ok. I am done contemplating. I'm going to bed now. :) *

_steady_

For the past 3 years, my January 1st has always been filled with both happiness and well, some sad moments. The balance is just perfect.

It tells me that life, for the rest of year, will be filled with both and can even happen progressively. It also tells me that I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Today, I learned yet again that plans can change and promises can be empty. And while I enjoy the wonderful moments in life, I should always be ready for any letdowns.

I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to face 2010! :)