_how well do i know me?_


there's always something about other people's attitude that can tick you off. and unless you have the patience of a saint -- i know i don't -- the only other option is not to pay attention. well, that's easy.

until that person turns out to be me.

how can i ignore me altogether?

i thought i always knew the kind of personality i have. and i always believed that no one should know myself better than me. but sporadically, i would find myself behaving like someone very different from what is expected of me; doing something i shouldn't be doing; feeling something i shouldn't be feeling; saying something i shouldn't be saying. all these "somethings" just mean one thing: something stupid.

it's one of the most absurd lines, and i swear i heard myself grunt when i thought of typing this, but simply put -- i wasn't being myself. and no one is more surprised and disappointed than yours truly. and no, this is not a case of discovering something new about me.

i hate how i've become -- no matter how short or unintentional it is -- someone i never want to be. all the years of saying to myself "i will never be like this, or that" is nothing but a hollow statement now.

after what happened, all i had was shame coming to me and i didn't know how to handle it. i wanted to say i'm sorry. the feeling soared in my body but when it finally reached my mouth, it had no voice, no words. just a lot of air and frustration.

i made a mistake and now i can't get myself together. somehow, it's harder to make an apology when you can't even understand why you displayed such stupidity in the first place. oh yeah, i know...i wasn't being myself.

as if anyone would buy that.


(currently my favorite picture. go figure.)