_clutching my own medal_


i never really understood the art of pretending not to hear what one says.

and even if i become literally deaf for a moment, something inside still does the listening. what's despairing is that it can hear even the unspoken words. when the ego is all bruised and broken, you don't really have to say anything to make matters worse.

i am tired.

so tired...
of having to prove myself to you.
of trying to make you see that i don't need to be like you.
of doing all sorts of things just to make you see me successful.


how do you measure success anyway? because if it's all about the money, then it's gonna take me my whole life -- and more -- to become successful to your eyes.

i'm happy now...
with my job.
with everything and everyone i have.
with everything i do.

i'm happy with my life.

of course, there are goals i have yet to achieve. but so far, i've done good. and there are quite a few things i'm also proud of.

i just hope that you're proud of me too.

God knows it'll make all the difference in the world if you are.

_unyielding_


and we have made it our personal mission to be one another's life savers. there is an unspoken guarantee that we will always have each other -- no matter what.

NO MATTER WHAT.

and there's no need to prove it. this is one of the few comforts available to me at this point in my life. the affirmation of honest friendship -- knowing that there is such a thing as having a family not related to you by blood.

we have pursued our dreams and have gone different directions, but we will always have that solid connection.

cheers to my Macromedia family!



Macromedia's 4th Anniv Party


calling it a "FRAT U!" Party was so appropriate

quoted from myrza sison:

the question: do you believe in marriage?

myrza: "i realized that it's who you're with that makes you believe in marriage."

i so know what you mean, myrza :)


>><<

LOVE, thank you for being that person who reinforced my belief in marriage. :)
i love you and i look forward to having an exciting married life with you.

_most likely...most likely not_


the illuminating perception may have allowed me to see that this is too huge to be embraced and too beautiful to bear.

but there is something very different about it. and i am trying to figure out what it is. i believe i am close to knowing.

in fact, i think i already know. but the world often seems to be withholding something from me.

until i am certain, i will happily dwell on these forehead wrinkling moments and continue to build up the courage to face up to it....in case it turns out to be a sour truth.

_let it pour_


i love the rain. its soothing rhythym tells me that things are going to be ok.
and i listen.

despite the chills, i feel a solacing warmth.
i love how it empathizes me. i cry -- and rain starts to pour.
i love how it protects me. i cry hard -- and it pours harder. and no one can hear me weep.

so don't hate the rain. it can be your best friend when you're very emotional.

_wavering_


between pleasures and woes
i trace the fine line
those dewy eyes
soften the hellhound inside

and i'm bleeding at the sight
of anything that has you in it

these shades of you
betray me,
confuse me

these hands
tied in wildflower chains
reluctantly reach out

healing
untangling
this mess we're in


::jar.5.10.06

_scratches from the sand_


we are all struggling to maintain a strong and fearless front; we do so while assuming to know how the world works.

but what's wrong with fear? with ignorance? a little bit of these cannot hurt.

the truth is, i don't need to know everything. and clearly, no one expects me to. perhaps i am realizing this for the first time.

there are things that i keep on learning and relearning, yet there are things that i don't have to master and own. the latter are the ones that i should let go.

and so i let go. i know this much after all these years.

i cannot hold on to the sand in my hands for long. they have to pass through my fingers eventually.

and i won't catch anything that falls.

_regain_


there's a phase when life seems to be burning up one day at a time. you're doing a hundred things and want to do more.

then suddenly, an emptiness. nothing prepares you for this swift change. you see the moment in an overdramatic way instead of a bearable and undemanding circumstance that it really is.

it's like leaving your exclusive space on this planet and you lose your sense of belongingness. the weeping and depression are overstated. the sentiment is overboard and taxing.

but there. it's done. i survived that stage and i have reclaimed my space.