_shoestring_


i have yet to feel that release of pressure around my ribs. i may have been forgiven, but i'm not sure if i have been understood.

whenever people tell me "it's okay", i always want to ask a bunch of follow up questions -- are you sure? how come it doesn't feel ok? how can we just get past this without even pondering first?

i would end up nodding in agreement, with my forehead wrinkled because those little questions are still hanging over me.

and so, we just let it pass. everything appears so right. so normal. but there would always be a moment -- half a moment -- when i'd feel that there's a tiny misfigured detail. i can't ignore it. and i keep thinking that it's still my fault.

was i trying too hard? maybe.
okay. but was that so wrong?

if only things happened as planned, instead of what did. this isn't one of those episodes when i can easily apply the art of flexibility. i refuse to adjust to the situation so quickly.

it's gonna take a while before i shake off this feeling of guilt. i'm getting accustomed to the sharp way of my breathing these days.

_how well do i know me?_


there's always something about other people's attitude that can tick you off. and unless you have the patience of a saint -- i know i don't -- the only other option is not to pay attention. well, that's easy.

until that person turns out to be me.

how can i ignore me altogether?

i thought i always knew the kind of personality i have. and i always believed that no one should know myself better than me. but sporadically, i would find myself behaving like someone very different from what is expected of me; doing something i shouldn't be doing; feeling something i shouldn't be feeling; saying something i shouldn't be saying. all these "somethings" just mean one thing: something stupid.

it's one of the most absurd lines, and i swear i heard myself grunt when i thought of typing this, but simply put -- i wasn't being myself. and no one is more surprised and disappointed than yours truly. and no, this is not a case of discovering something new about me.

i hate how i've become -- no matter how short or unintentional it is -- someone i never want to be. all the years of saying to myself "i will never be like this, or that" is nothing but a hollow statement now.

after what happened, all i had was shame coming to me and i didn't know how to handle it. i wanted to say i'm sorry. the feeling soared in my body but when it finally reached my mouth, it had no voice, no words. just a lot of air and frustration.

i made a mistake and now i can't get myself together. somehow, it's harder to make an apology when you can't even understand why you displayed such stupidity in the first place. oh yeah, i know...i wasn't being myself.

as if anyone would buy that.


(currently my favorite picture. go figure.)

_either it makes or breaks you_


at one point, i managed to adjust to the permanence of having fear in my life -- any man's life. i have understood that it is something normal.

there are certain fears that i allow myself to have. i label them as valid fears.
i just have to let them play their lit-tle roles in my life without letting them control me. no matter how hard i try, no matter how brave i may one day become, no matter how much i believe that i can disregard them, they will never leave the vulnerable places in me.

i will just have to deal with them (with the hope that i will not collide).

on the other hand, there are fears that are simply there to intimidate me -- those that are baseless and trivial. i stand in them for too long until it seemed that i melted right into them. either that, or i had to trade in a pack of faith for a pack of superficial fears. i later found out that the former -- although heavier -- was what i needed to always carry around with me.

i think this line says it all:

"Many fears, like soap bubbles, are all show and of very little substance. One prick with the pin of faith and they vanish." --> taken from my friend's daily inspirational reads

so unless it is a valid fear, i would simply prick it with a pin of strong faith.

so help me God.