_yet_


you would think, that after almost 3 years of owning blogs, it'll be easy for me to open up to the world (even if it's just in writing).

not exactly.

it's a torture for me to tell someone that he/she hurt me. i grew up in a home where people don't talk to each other -- i mean REAL talk. the kind of conversations that open forums are made of.

once, years ago, i tried speaking up. but injury came to me in all forms: physically, emotionally, mentally. that's what came to me if i opened my mouth. i vowed never to speak up again. whatever emotional turbulence i experience at home should remain obscure. i will (and have) become contented and comforted dealing with such pains on my own.

however, there are places beyond home and somehow i found a venue to develop my skill of opening up -- at least to non-family members. but it didn't give me the results i wanted, let alone, needed. revelation lost whatever edge it had. i thought that disclosure would finally bring clarity to things. it made absolute sense, right?

wrong.

even after a number of attempts of uncovering my innermost thoughts and feelings, i am still misunderstood. i have done all -- and i mean ALL -- i could to present things in black and white, yet it appears gray to the other person.

nothing has improved. nothing has changed.

my theory is that all the years of concealing my opinion spawned my inept ability to get my message across. it saddens me that no words can actually represent what i want to say. i am uncertain if i will ever make that accurate connection to anyone.

this is even more frustrating. i finally learned how to handle a confrontation but it proves to be futile.

it's like a rehearsal for the performance that never takes place.

_paddling through_


does everything REALLY happen for a reason? do they have to?

today i suddenly started wondering why we are so convinced that things do happen for a reason. (it must be the weather.)



people can just attach a reason for every human action. i am amazed at how we do this. are we simply justifying things that are happening to us? because when i try to weave the so-called reasons behind the events in my life, i come up with different categories.

there are reasons that are rational, and there are reasons that are downright ridiculous; others i deserve, and others i don't (or i refuse to accept that i do); some reasons are justified, and some are not; some are obvious, some are blurred; some are enlightening, and some are irritatingly confusing.

most of all, some are known, and some are not. the question is, do we want to know it all?

this is another interesting contrast in life: we find so damn hard to search for meanings, but other times, we try to figure out if there's a way of not knowing. either way, there's always a big question mark right smack in the middle.

_knocking on closed, cold, and opinionated hearts_


before you go hatin' someone because of what another someone told you...

get both sides of the story first. and fast.

it'll save you a huge amount of time -- time you could've used being a friend instead of dwelling on hostility that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.




to someone:

i was initially surprised why you were so confident that you will not have any hatred in you.

now i understand. i clearly do.

you will not have any hatred -- only frustration that they never really knew you, or what was in your heart.

because they don't care.


to another someone:

i knew i could've said it aloud to you as you delved into the territory of anguish. but i also didn't want to stop you from whining -- even if it weighs nothing now. at least it affords you a distraction, which is what you need.

nonetheless, i have to knock some sense into you because you're all consumed in disgust. i need to have at least parallel examples so you can believe. so that you, and the rest of them, can comprehend the theory behind what it is that unglued everyone from their seemingly normal lives.

oh, and one last thing: don't spend your lifetime planning on the perfect revenge. it's a stubborn way of dealing with all this. don't even try to make one small injury. it bleeds into another until the whole system tips over.

_when they start griping_


i'm not sure how to deal with friends who indulge in guilt tripping. whether it's intentional or not, it's just plain unsought for.

you know i'd love to be there for you, but there are times when i simply can't. and believe it or not, i have valid reasons why. besides, i didn't realize the sense of urgency. try to recall HOW you asked me about it. :|

no matter how i stretch my time, there will never be enough of jarjar for everyone. and i hope you see it the way i do -- that just because i can't be with you physically, it doesn't mean that i don't care. I DO. and you should know me better than that. i am your friend, and you don't need to see me 24/7 to prove this.

perhaps this is His way of telling you that there are things you have to deal with on your own.

i should know. i've been there a lot of times. and i re-emerge stronger and braver every time.