_unabashed_


i am not as brave, the way some people are, in affirming that they do not have any regrets. i've heard it all before -- and even said it to myself at times --
"i don't regret anything in my life. for i wouldn't be who i am today if not for this and that, blah blah blah"

whatever.

a friend asked me if i would rather not have gone through that certain phase. i said yes. my mouth closed on the word, and i let out a sigh.

when i try to focus on the details rather than the totality, i realize that i could have lived just as fine if i didn't take that road. i could've just experienced a heartbreak in a totally different dimension.

i knew the consequences. i knew it from the beginning, though i wasn't able to articulate the thought. it was a matter of making choices. and i chose the bad one.

i regretted it. it belongs to yesteryears. even the regretting part is also over now. it's just that this is the first time that someone actually asked me about it.

so yes. i regretted it. and it was brave of me to admit that i did.

_consignment to dysfunction_


it has been proven that one of the greatest tricks to help you unburden your sorrow is to talk to someone. i do this. most of the time i do. othertimes i just want to step into the shadow and keep the lamenting to myself.

there's a little bit of strangeness in some of the things that i consider despairing. and if i tell others what these are, it may not be worth their time. there's already a lot of peculiarity about me. i still want to be seen as someone fairly normal. ergo, i end up not sharing. not talking. not expressing. the fact that i remain unheard is oddly comforting. it even occurs to me that i don't deserve to speak up.

my particular episode of lowness is linked to a lot of circumstantial events. you see, i could just be reacting the only way i can to an equally withholding universe.

_all i could do is shake my head_


despite wanting to be completely honest with someone, there are still quite a few things that i'd rather have undisclosed. i am referring to discussions that have already taken place -- more than once.

the same scenario transpires. yet again.

you have a point. and i have a point. only mine is better.

you have a notion -- the same notion that i always disagree with. but i lack the energy for a debate. i know all too well that it'll be another unresolved exchange of reasons.

difference of opinion should be handled with maturity. i should stand for my beliefs and understand yours and vice versa. this is something i'd like to see happening one day.

but for now, such gaps of understanding will be dealt in silence.

_is it time to build my wall again?_


today i am reminded why i get disappointed -- immoderately -- over broken trust and loyalty.

people who have proven themselves unworthy of my trust have downheartened me, but it also gave me an unusual chance to understand myself deeper and how such situations can bring me the lowest spirits.

i trust so much.

too much...that i expect others to emanate the same approach. but it doesn't seem to be that way. this is the perfect time to say "do not expect too much".

things become cloudy when a friend betrays you. it becomes even uglier finding out that he was never a friend to begin with. i've said more than once that i could not stand "user friendly" people. but how do i even know that they are such?

i will know.
...but only after the damage has been done.

i've been with such people -- they've shown me so much concern, expressed too much fondness, established a seemingly unbreakable bond, demonstrated saintly kindness.

there's an excellent possibility though, that they're just bluffing -- and i realized this a tad too late.

"better late than never" i guess. another cliche proven to be true.

_tsk tsk tsk_


"never miss a good chance to shut up."

why didn't i just remember that??????

no thanks to me, everything's a mess right now. :( i'm sorry. i feel really awful for what i've done.