_axis_


i can finally tell what the problem is.

setting expectations.

depending on the day, i can either be idealistic or realistic. when the former is stronger, i set certain expectations on how one will act or speak. i was never a mind reader, yet somehow, i manage to assume how one will react. and when it doesn't go the way i expected, i am crushed. i find it hard to understand what just happened.

after knowing everything there is to know about NOT having expectations, i still end up expecting.

but it must be a normal thing. somewhere, wired into my system, there must exist a tiny nerve that registers the innate desire to be idealistic once in a while.
everyone is entitled to occasionally dream of an ideal world.

i guess there's nothing wrong with having expectations -- low or high. what i need to learn now, is to accept the outcome which may or may not match what i envisioned. i can't believe that at this point my life, i still have to learn how to do this.

i need to remember that things come and go. people and come and go. the rest is a residue that i have to deal with. and that's what is expected of me.

_hold_


at the beginning of 2006, i was filled with optimism and warmth...with high hopes that it would be a good year for me.

and it was.

it was the year of a new and better career, a more interesting life in grad school, a home (still) filled with drama -- but a home nonetheless (and i think it'll always be that way and i have learned to live with it), a deeper and growing friendship...and the year when i finally and officially let someone have my heart (and that someone happens to be the only one deserving *wink*).

in 2006, my life started to build upward and outward. i was still prone to sadness and misery, but i have become far more balanced and less prone to giving up.

here's hoping that 2007 will be as wonderful...maybe even more.

happy 2007 everyone!