_splendid_

I have a few things to write about where I've been, where I'm headed and everything in between.

But that can wait.

For now, I will breathe in the goodness of the very last day of the year. I am ending 2010 with much gratitude and welcoming 2011 with optimism and spunk. I think it's really the only way to go. And I'm truly happy that I am in the company of my loved ones on this occasion. Wherever you are, I hope you are celebrating the new year with the people you most care about.

Here's to finding new paths, new joys, and seeing beauty in the most unexpected situations.

An incredible new year awaits us!



Hokay, back to the kitchen to help prepare media noche! Mmmmm...I love the smell of fresh basil. :D

_defining_

I felt my mouth pulling into the shape of protest.

I pointed out to her the obvious facts. I practically plotted out the dots. But I guess, some people really have a hard time connecting them. I can never quite believe how some people turn a blind eye to something big. Something serious. Something alarming.

Yes, I know we have to bear it (and I think I've done a good job on this). And sometimes, we have to pretend it's not happening. But it can't be this way for.e.ver. At some point, reality will sink in and you're gonna have to face it. At some point, you're gonna have to make that dreaded confrontation. Well guess what? That point came already. And since you couldn't do it, I thought I'd do it for you.

I apologize for the manner I said it. But I don't apologize for the message I was trying to send.

It's about time somebody did something.

And I won't stop here.

_lanes_

I am gearing up for this week. September is about to end and it will be a busy time for me -- both at work and play.

I'm happy to say that September has been good to me. Overall, it has been good. :) I finally took the big leap and somehow I managed to make everything work, and amazingly, make it work just in time! Just in time before I lose my sanity :P Thank God!

It's not always easy. Just a few months ago I was ultimately feeling that I was down on my luck. And it's during those times when I tell myself that I really have to stay positive. Realistically positive. I am saying "realistically positive" because I had an interesting talk with my teenage sister yesterday in the car.

Despite the age difference, my sister and I jibe in a lot of ways. But in this particular instance, I could really distinguish the age gap. :P

The way she views life, is, well...idealistic. Probably a tad too much. Hearing a 15-year old tell me that the love of my life is just out there -- it's kinda funny and sweet. She said that when the time comes, she wants to marry her first love. She believes that her point of view comes from the fact that she's never experienced a heartbreak.

Judging by the hopeful look she was giving me, I knew I had to say something. "Well...marrying your first love..that's not gonna happen to me anymore, but maybe it could happen to you. But seriously, that's very idealistic. You even have a dream school for college!" She replied with "I'm just being positive!" in a defensive yet sophisticated manner. Clearly, her definition of positivity and mine are worlds apart -- generations apart, if you will. And she wants to know everything. I, on the other hand, am old enough to know that I don't know everything. And I never will. And I'll let her discover this on her own.

Experience really does change your outlook in life.

No matter the age, however, I know that we both want to live life the best way we can. We're both game to suck the marrow out of life and to experience surreal kind of happiness every chance we get.

I always seem to have some of the most memorable conversations during car rides. :)

_To My Very Best_

A year ago today, we were all in the kitchen immersed in cooking. And all around the house we had balloons, colorful plates and cups, floating candles and even a HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign hung on the wall. The food could feed an entire army. The vodka and wine were overflowing. We were all psyched up for your birthday dinner. Why wouldn't we, you were turning 18. :P

You were engaged. On the horizon was your wedding. You were B's fiancee and you had Chipmunk.

Fast forward to today, you are happily married with a baby on the way. What a difference a year makes! We didn't expect you'd have a baby bump on your birthday this year, but as you've said, life is full of surprises.

I remember when you told me you probably needed more time to prepare yourself for motherhood. I guess all would-be moms feel that way at some point. I know this is coming from a single girl and I don't have the discernment that mothers have, but I do know with all my heart that you need no preparation. You need proof? God gave you Chipmunk and Riley at this point in your life. :)

You are a great mom. I say you ARE and not WILL BE, because even before Riley comes out, you are already a mom to Chipmunk. And with your caring ways, thoughtfulness and sense of responsibility that you show to me and your loved ones, motherhood has always been in your system. And it's just waiting to go full blast. :)

I am so excited for you Bes. I'm sure you will love motherhood. And like most things in our lives, this is something you have to experience first so that I can learn from you again. :P

No matter how many more little ones you'll have and wherever life takes us (do I hear Canada and Denmark? :P), I will always be your best friend and the coolest "tita ninang" of your kids. (I hope no eyebrows will be raised about that coolest tita ninang thing haha!) And if there would be days when you feel like you're not doing a good job as a mom, I'll always be there to prove you wrong. Ok, I know B would probably do that, but I'll be there to do the explaining part. Hehe.

Happy birthday my very best friend! Love you!


And because my last blog entry about our old flat made me reminisce, I chose this pic:

Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall: our trip to Taipei :)

_more than a pad_

Long overdue, but I'm finally taking time to write about something important to me and my bes.

I am admittedly sentimental. With that said, I was a little sad leaving the flat we've lived in for 2 years.

How do you say goodbye to a place where you spent probably half of your life in a foreign land?

The simplest things gave life to this place.


:: my first Christmas in Singapore, 2008 ::


I love how the smell of freshly brewed barako coffee wakes us up during weekend mornings. Pair that coffee with our homemade choco banana pancake or cinnanom toast and my day is already complete.



:: father's day 2009/vodka night with my dad, no less!::



:: another one of those vodka nights with our giant cards ::


I love lazing on the couch or in my bed during hot afternoons dressed in house clothes that outsiders are not supposed to see (although sometimes it happens by accident. Tsk tsk!) I love staring at my orange bedroom walls and how they actually make my day and even night bright. (Sorry, no photo of my bedroom for this post.)



:: my favorite corner in the living room ::


It was this place that made me enjoy doing chores. Whoever thought I'd love being Inday. :P And thanks to having a chef of a best friend and flatmate, I never missed most of the Filipino dishes since we make it in our own kitchen. Chicken adobo with ginger, daing na bangus, sinigang na hipon, adobong pusit and our award winning leche flan all kept homesickness at bay. :)



:: the hallway which we passed by a thousand times ::


The flat was witness to a lot of memorable moments: birthday celebrations that were fun from the preparation stage until we wrapped up; my first Christmas in SG which I thought I'd spend alone but turned out to be a party (we even had friends fly in from Manila); countless vodka and wine nights which consisted of conversations from shallow to serious stuff about our future plans (work and love life included), and our past (work and love life definitely included); from the bathroom sink, my best friend announced that she was engaged and I shrieked with delight; in my bedroom and practically anywhere in the house, we discussed her wedding plans; we made the dining area a factory of purple themed wedding favors; knocking on my bedroom door on an ordinary friday, Sam showed me her pregnancy test kit where the word "pregnant" was glaring at me -- and that friday turned out to be extraordinary! And from then on, we discusssed everything there is to discuss about pregnancy. I especially enjoyed discussing possible names for their baby. I am just so happy now that they are not naming him Brandon (no offense to all the Brandons out there).



:: sam's birthday sparklers which almost caused fire :P ::


On a more personal note, this flat, specifically my bedroom, became my refuge. It was where I cried myself to sleep and and recovered from heartaches. I won't elaborate on that anymore. What's important is I'm ok now, and I will always remember our Compassvale flat as the place where I dealt with the worst and celebrated the best.



:: our very last big gathering: my 31st ::


And most importantly, this flat was where we nurtured a home. Bes and I have always wanted to be flatmates and Singapore made that happen.

Leaving this flat was altogether a different thing for me. I was not only vacating a flat. I was leaving something good for the hope of something better.

_alongside_

I winced. I was in the middle of taking it all in. I assumed it was a shade less dramatic than others, but the elements it had, at that time, was a big deal to me.

My initial private reaction was one of very little surprise with seemingly a hint of annoyance. Why wouldn't there be?

It really is difficult to see that things happen for a reason when you are the one stuck in a bad situation. No amount of advice is going to make sense to you until you get out of it. That powerful moment is never hurried. Never forced. And definitely never known when it's going take place.

So I waited for that moment. While I did, I listened. Observed. Processed. This was how I learned and coped, exactly as everyone does. From sideways comment over cold beer and fried food, sudden bursts of realization, or strange parallels that come curling out of a song, out of a movie, out of ad posters, out of a joke, and even out of a bad joke.

I stand back with half a smile and say to myself -- "this is how the world works".

I am still waiting for that moment. And until it comes, I will marvel at all these details around me. And even if the moment does come, I will still marvel at anything that makes me alive.

I don't want to get so used to the world that nothing amazes me anymore.

_veer_

So THIS is what they meant.

"Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Throw in another line which says “Do one thing everyday that scares you”, and I think I have made my 2010 the exciting year I have hoped for.

And we’re only in the month of June.

I am usually the first one to say that “change is always good”. Believing this helps me to accept changes – planned or not. It gets me excited about life. And believing it prevents me from doubting. Regretting. And God forbid, sulking.

Nothing ever prepares you for such swift changes. No matter how carefully you plan things, something always happens differently. Life is indeed not all about what we make it, but for the most part, it’s how we take it. I am coping and trying to see THIS as a bearable circumstance. That’s really all there is to it.

I made a decision -- a critical one. And I am accepting and managing the things that come with it. One of which is waiting for the outcome. The agony of waiting is sheer torture. But I am taking it well. I think I am.

After all, I'm still standing. And I am grateful to be given choices in life.

_leap_

-= My farewell dinner at The Line =-


They say endings are beginnings of beautiful things. I love beginnings especially if it's one that involves something I bravely decided to do.

Let me just repost my recent facebook status as this line really struck me:

"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin."

I am really glad and grateful that I had the courage to make this change. I can't wait to begin my new journey. Thank you Lord! This really is for your greater glory. All of it!

_whisk_

Everything, it seemed, was forgiven and mended. I experienced anticipated homecomings, joyful gatherings, wonderful celebrations, heartfelt talks. And I imagined more of these to come. This was all I ever needed to supposedly forget.

Of course it didn't last. How could it? When a single, important evidence just popped out of nowhere, it was enough for me to remember. To be stirred. To feel. And disturbingly, to question if I have really forgiven.

I would have been outraged, but the feeling of being tormented by doubts came first -- and prevailed.

I am in awe at the fact that it's always me who gets to witness all these distressing matters. Yes, I am the "chosen one". I am just thankful that it hasn't turned me into a spiteful person. A wise woman told me that there is a big reason why I find myself in this rather fragile position that I never really chose to be in. Not too long from now, this will all make sense. Perfect sense. And whatever dots that have to be connected will be made by, yep -- yours truly. I hope she is right. She better be. :)

But I'm hanging in there. I have been doing it for years anyway. I choose to overcome. I am still part of a blissful, elated world at least for a moment. Whatever absurdity that comes in the next hour or the next day scarcely matters.

_marked_

I thought January and February went by so fast. March was even faster.

Waay faster.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year.

March was a whirlwind month for all of us. I swear, time gets faster as you grow older (kainis bakit ganun :P).

In the crazy month of March, I discovered something about myself. This certain experience caused me not exactly fear and not precisely comfort. It’s somewhere in between I guess – if that makes sense at all. The irony of it all is, while it was entirely a great day of discovery, it was in fact something I knew all along. It was an entity that was just untapped. I should probably say that it was a day of reaffirming what I’ve already possessed yet almost doubted. And I thought the experience was a rare enough episode at my age. I wish I could be more precise on what I’m talking about here, but I can’t :P. Only my Bes would know what I’m pertaining to -- which brings me to the most important event that happened this month:

MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD GOT MARRIED!!!!


Best wishes B and Bes! (photo courtesy of Mike Frias)

I’m still on a high about their beautiful, beautiful, wedding! I’ll write about that later. Perhaps I could talk about her bachelorette party too. Haha! It was the most hilarious party I’ve arranged and attended. Thanks to the girls, the party was a success! I wish we could party like that every month. ;)

Have a good holy week everybody! It’s the perfect time for reflection.

_gotta roar into the year of the tiger_

::Happy faces at the Chinese New Year Red Party::

Gong Xi Fa Cai everybody!

Chinese New Year Celebration is coming to an end -- tomorrow to be exact. February all happened in a blink of an eye. Both my personal and work life have been....eventful. I wanted to say stressful, but I'm starting to have a more positive take on things again. I still whine here and there, but a minute or two later I get back on track. I really have to anyway. Who else is gonna help me but myself, right? By God's grace, I'll be fine. :)

All those things that happened this month really kept me busy, which is not to say that I didn't have time for reflection. Lots of it. Yes, I have this terrible habit of thinking too much. Doing so makes me feel like I'm locked in a circle of calmness and safety. It usually happens on my way home -- particularly that moment when I'm walking from the train station to the flat. Passing by the park (the quiet, clean and lovely park in our neighborhood) at night puts me in the perfect mood to think. Overthink. Pray. And sometimes, as much as I hate it to admit it...cry. I even sit on the bench for a while. Blame Singapore for putting up so many parks like this one. :P I will probably spend 1/4 of my time here in SG sitting on park benches pondering about life. Pathetic? Well, that's how I get by. Of course sometimes I think my problems are nothing compared to others'. But what am I supposed to do? This is the set of problems given to me. I have to deal with it and I am licensed to cry over it if I want to. If I have to.

While it helps to think that others have bigger problems, sometimes I can't help but feel down about my own share. The last time I felt like this was, I think, about 5 years ago. I remember writing in my old blog that I was lonely, and that the loneliness was palpable. Kind of happening again lately. The only difference this time is that there is one person I know who can actually take away that loneliness. But that person is probably thinking of the same thing about me, and experiencing the exact same thing I'm going through. Whew.



But life goes on.

And the Year of the Tiger is welcoming me with open arms :) Might as well reciprocate! Like I said, I'm trying to be more positive again. ;)



And if you're reading this, yes, I was talking about you.

_level_

It really is true -- that everything is fragmentary, and it's up to us to supply the missing link. I suspect, however, that sometimes the missing link remains just that -- missing.

I feel like I've done everything on my part, yet I still feel that somehow it's not enough. It's never enough. I give whatever I could, offer everything I could. Explained everything there is to explain -- and God knows how long that is. :P But there will always be something missing. There's always something the world withholds from me. Maybe it's supposed to be that way.

But for a long time I held on to a certain belief that there is an answer to everything. The answers could be vague or even bad, but THERE IS something. There is a door to everything. If only you could find it. If only I could find it.

And I want to find it now.

Waiting is particularly hard for someone like me. The heart of my problem, as I see it, is that I am -- as I have made it clear to most people -- not very patient. I'm sure the society (and by that I mean my mother) agrees with this. I am surprised to learn, however, that despite my being patience challenged, I have certain qualities of martyrdom when it comes to that one thing that makes us all fools.

Why do I feel that everything is pointless despite all the efforts we put in?

I'm tired. And I am running on low fuel.





*Ok. I am done contemplating. I'm going to bed now. :) *

_steady_

For the past 3 years, my January 1st has always been filled with both happiness and well, some sad moments. The balance is just perfect.

It tells me that life, for the rest of year, will be filled with both and can even happen progressively. It also tells me that I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Today, I learned yet again that plans can change and promises can be empty. And while I enjoy the wonderful moments in life, I should always be ready for any letdowns.

I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to face 2010! :)

_welcoming 2010_

I am really excited for 2010!

Have an amazing year ahead everybody! May we continue to feel the love and goodness of God all year through.

_salamat_

Thank you to everyone who remembered. :) It was indeed a happy and wonderful birthday.

And to all the guys who came to my birthday celebration which lasted til 5:30am the next day, thank you. :) I never thought I could still stay up that late. :P I'll post the photos here soon! In the meantime, you can browse them at facebook.

_before it's over_

The year is about to end. But before that, it's Christmas -- my favorite holiday. And before that, I turn a year older. :) I am both happy and contemplative this time of the year. Perhaps I could say I am "happily contemplating". :)

This year started with quite a few emotional episodes in my life. I exhausted all I could to save something which I thought was precious. Turned out, it was only precious to ME. That thing I wanted to share, I had all to myself. But there was no use keeping it for myself. As with anything that destroys me, I let it go.

In so many instances, I had difficulties at work, but then I learned to endure. And I got a raise.

I got my heart broken, only to be whole again. Perhaps even more cohesive this time. (Thanks to someone who is taking good care of it. *winks*)

I met new people and found out those who are really showing their true colors.

Both funny and lovely moments made me see that it's not only mothers who know best, your best friends do too. :)

I was convinced, prematurely as it turned out, that some people hurt you out of selfishness.
I will say it again, it really is a dog-eat-dog world. And I probably experience this every single day.

I realized in so many ways who truly deserves my heart. Furthermore, I learned that in this world, a few men are worth catching, and fewer still are worth keeping.

I read from a book that everything is fragmentary. It's up to us to supply the missing link. It's true.

Anything good and important is hard. Like relationships. And sometimes, even my sanity. :P Being away from my family only made me closer to them. In terms of long distance relationships, I am now a believer. :) It CAN and WILL work if both parties really want it.

This year I made decisions, decisions, decisions. Some of which I had to ponder on for hours, some for days, some dragged for a few months. Some are even still bound to change.

It took Singapore for me to realize and do some of the things I really want out of life. And now I know how, where and when I want to do them.

I had a handful of problems this year, but I always made it a point to remind myself that my blessings are always more than my so-called problems.

I'm excited to experience the rest of my 2009, and even more excited what's in store for 2010.

As the song goes, "What comes is better than what came before." :)

_festive spirit_

Hope you guys are in a festive spirit! :)

I know we are! :) We are busy preparing for the holidays as we will be spending it at the place which is known to have the longest Christmas celebration. :)

See you guys soon!

_bubble_

Growing up as a kid, I was quite dreamy. Then came a dreamy adolescence -- just letting life happen to me. It took me years to get myself wide awake and years later I was dozing off again. Fading inward.

Things turned around in the past year or two. There is no time to sleep. Snoozing won't get you anywhere.

I was clutched to the factors around me. The city's vibe. People rushing everywhere. People queueing everywhere. From sun up to sun down, there is no spot that won't keep you awake. And I wonder what everyone is rushing for. We're always headed for somewhere and we're always in a hurry. And when I look around, every person is holding a mobile phone. Who is everyone calling anyway? Back in the day, a cellphone was NOT a necessity. But all these things -- all these things -- I am a part of. That's what I was afraid of. All those details and their demand from me.

A little quiet time helps. Over two cups of hot black coffee I reevaluate my priorities and my purpose. Still figuring out the latter sometimes.

Pausing gives me a chance to feel everything. Or nothing.

I think about my day to day activities and say to myself that despite all the rush, I am still in control -- for the most part at least. Then I start dreaming again, with my eyes wide open this time. I think about all the cheerful things and relax. I do this for as long as I can. I do this until the time comes when I have to rush again. Just for this short moment I let things flow. And I realize that at any age, I can be dreamy. It gives me something to look forward to.

Have you dreamed lately?

_engaged_

Take a peek at my best friend and her fiance's engagement shoot at the beautiful Bella Roca Resort in Marinduque a.k.a. Santorini of the Philippines:

B, Sam and Bella Roca



Lovely, isn't it? :)

_sound_

I lost the excitement for surprises in my late 20's when I realized that it's not easy to surprise me. It's no fun surprising me - at all. I always, always, manage to spoil the surprise. Curiosity really does kill the cat.

But there was one thing that totally caught me off guard. Healing came as a surprise. I had no idea it was coming my way. I didn't expect to be immensely healed and for it to be happening when it did.

With healing came happiness.

I guess, it still holds true, that things happen when you least expect them, more so when you try to avoid it. Although I must admit that I knew that the idea of being healed again is a steady light bulb at the edge of my vision. It's always there. It's always switched on.

Once again I learned that nothing is ever promised. Cherish what you have now. And like what my friend Jayvee told me, I should lock my happiness and throw away the key.

And I just have to say...I never understood what it felt like to be swept off your feet.

Until now.