_whisk_

Everything, it seemed, was forgiven and mended. I experienced anticipated homecomings, joyful gatherings, wonderful celebrations, heartfelt talks. And I imagined more of these to come. This was all I ever needed to supposedly forget.

Of course it didn't last. How could it? When a single, important evidence just popped out of nowhere, it was enough for me to remember. To be stirred. To feel. And disturbingly, to question if I have really forgiven.

I would have been outraged, but the feeling of being tormented by doubts came first -- and prevailed.

I am in awe at the fact that it's always me who gets to witness all these distressing matters. Yes, I am the "chosen one". I am just thankful that it hasn't turned me into a spiteful person. A wise woman told me that there is a big reason why I find myself in this rather fragile position that I never really chose to be in. Not too long from now, this will all make sense. Perfect sense. And whatever dots that have to be connected will be made by, yep -- yours truly. I hope she is right. She better be. :)

But I'm hanging in there. I have been doing it for years anyway. I choose to overcome. I am still part of a blissful, elated world at least for a moment. Whatever absurdity that comes in the next hour or the next day scarcely matters.

_marked_

I thought January and February went by so fast. March was even faster.

Waay faster.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the 2nd quarter of the year.

March was a whirlwind month for all of us. I swear, time gets faster as you grow older (kainis bakit ganun :P).

In the crazy month of March, I discovered something about myself. This certain experience caused me not exactly fear and not precisely comfort. It’s somewhere in between I guess – if that makes sense at all. The irony of it all is, while it was entirely a great day of discovery, it was in fact something I knew all along. It was an entity that was just untapped. I should probably say that it was a day of reaffirming what I’ve already possessed yet almost doubted. And I thought the experience was a rare enough episode at my age. I wish I could be more precise on what I’m talking about here, but I can’t :P. Only my Bes would know what I’m pertaining to -- which brings me to the most important event that happened this month:

MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD GOT MARRIED!!!!


Best wishes B and Bes! (photo courtesy of Mike Frias)

I’m still on a high about their beautiful, beautiful, wedding! I’ll write about that later. Perhaps I could talk about her bachelorette party too. Haha! It was the most hilarious party I’ve arranged and attended. Thanks to the girls, the party was a success! I wish we could party like that every month. ;)

Have a good holy week everybody! It’s the perfect time for reflection.

_gotta roar into the year of the tiger_

::Happy faces at the Chinese New Year Red Party::

Gong Xi Fa Cai everybody!

Chinese New Year Celebration is coming to an end -- tomorrow to be exact. February all happened in a blink of an eye. Both my personal and work life have been....eventful. I wanted to say stressful, but I'm starting to have a more positive take on things again. I still whine here and there, but a minute or two later I get back on track. I really have to anyway. Who else is gonna help me but myself, right? By God's grace, I'll be fine. :)

All those things that happened this month really kept me busy, which is not to say that I didn't have time for reflection. Lots of it. Yes, I have this terrible habit of thinking too much. Doing so makes me feel like I'm locked in a circle of calmness and safety. It usually happens on my way home -- particularly that moment when I'm walking from the train station to the flat. Passing by the park (the quiet, clean and lovely park in our neighborhood) at night puts me in the perfect mood to think. Overthink. Pray. And sometimes, as much as I hate it to admit it...cry. I even sit on the bench for a while. Blame Singapore for putting up so many parks like this one. :P I will probably spend 1/4 of my time here in SG sitting on park benches pondering about life. Pathetic? Well, that's how I get by. Of course sometimes I think my problems are nothing compared to others'. But what am I supposed to do? This is the set of problems given to me. I have to deal with it and I am licensed to cry over it if I want to. If I have to.

While it helps to think that others have bigger problems, sometimes I can't help but feel down about my own share. The last time I felt like this was, I think, about 5 years ago. I remember writing in my old blog that I was lonely, and that the loneliness was palpable. Kind of happening again lately. The only difference this time is that there is one person I know who can actually take away that loneliness. But that person is probably thinking of the same thing about me, and experiencing the exact same thing I'm going through. Whew.



But life goes on.

And the Year of the Tiger is welcoming me with open arms :) Might as well reciprocate! Like I said, I'm trying to be more positive again. ;)



And if you're reading this, yes, I was talking about you.

_level_

It really is true -- that everything is fragmentary, and it's up to us to supply the missing link. I suspect, however, that sometimes the missing link remains just that -- missing.

I feel like I've done everything on my part, yet I still feel that somehow it's not enough. It's never enough. I give whatever I could, offer everything I could. Explained everything there is to explain -- and God knows how long that is. :P But there will always be something missing. There's always something the world withholds from me. Maybe it's supposed to be that way.

But for a long time I held on to a certain belief that there is an answer to everything. The answers could be vague or even bad, but THERE IS something. There is a door to everything. If only you could find it. If only I could find it.

And I want to find it now.

Waiting is particularly hard for someone like me. The heart of my problem, as I see it, is that I am -- as I have made it clear to most people -- not very patient. I'm sure the society (and by that I mean my mother) agrees with this. I am surprised to learn, however, that despite my being patience challenged, I have certain qualities of martyrdom when it comes to that one thing that makes us all fools.

Why do I feel that everything is pointless despite all the efforts we put in?

I'm tired. And I am running on low fuel.





*Ok. I am done contemplating. I'm going to bed now. :) *

_steady_

For the past 3 years, my January 1st has always been filled with both happiness and well, some sad moments. The balance is just perfect.

It tells me that life, for the rest of year, will be filled with both and can even happen progressively. It also tells me that I am capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Today, I learned yet again that plans can change and promises can be empty. And while I enjoy the wonderful moments in life, I should always be ready for any letdowns.

I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to face 2010! :)

_welcoming 2010_

I am really excited for 2010!

Have an amazing year ahead everybody! May we continue to feel the love and goodness of God all year through.

_salamat_

Thank you to everyone who remembered. :) It was indeed a happy and wonderful birthday.

And to all the guys who came to my birthday celebration which lasted til 5:30am the next day, thank you. :) I never thought I could still stay up that late. :P I'll post the photos here soon! In the meantime, you can browse them at facebook.

_before it's over_

The year is about to end. But before that, it's Christmas -- my favorite holiday. And before that, I turn a year older. :) I am both happy and contemplative this time of the year. Perhaps I could say I am "happily contemplating". :)

This year started with quite a few emotional episodes in my life. I exhausted all I could to save something which I thought was precious. Turned out, it was only precious to ME. That thing I wanted to share, I had all to myself. But there was no use keeping it for myself. As with anything that destroys me, I let it go.

In so many instances, I had difficulties at work, but then I learned to endure. And I got a raise.

I got my heart broken, only to be whole again. Perhaps even more cohesive this time. (Thanks to someone who is taking good care of it. *winks*)

I met new people and found out those who are really showing their true colors.

Both funny and lovely moments made me see that it's not only mothers who know best, your best friends do too. :)

I was convinced, prematurely as it turned out, that some people hurt you out of selfishness.
I will say it again, it really is a dog-eat-dog world. And I probably experience this every single day.

I realized in so many ways who truly deserves my heart. Furthermore, I learned that in this world, a few men are worth catching, and fewer still are worth keeping.

I read from a book that everything is fragmentary. It's up to us to supply the missing link. It's true.

Anything good and important is hard. Like relationships. And sometimes, even my sanity. :P Being away from my family only made me closer to them. In terms of long distance relationships, I am now a believer. :) It CAN and WILL work if both parties really want it.

This year I made decisions, decisions, decisions. Some of which I had to ponder on for hours, some for days, some dragged for a few months. Some are even still bound to change.

It took Singapore for me to realize and do some of the things I really want out of life. And now I know how, where and when I want to do them.

I had a handful of problems this year, but I always made it a point to remind myself that my blessings are always more than my so-called problems.

I'm excited to experience the rest of my 2009, and even more excited what's in store for 2010.

As the song goes, "What comes is better than what came before." :)

_festive spirit_

Hope you guys are in a festive spirit! :)

I know we are! :) We are busy preparing for the holidays as we will be spending it at the place which is known to have the longest Christmas celebration. :)

See you guys soon!

_bubble_

Growing up as a kid, I was quite dreamy. Then came a dreamy adolescence -- just letting life happen to me. It took me years to get myself wide awake and years later I was dozing off again. Fading inward.

Things turned around in the past year or two. There is no time to sleep. Snoozing won't get you anywhere.

I was clutched to the factors around me. The city's vibe. People rushing everywhere. People queueing everywhere. From sun up to sun down, there is no spot that won't keep you awake. And I wonder what everyone is rushing for. We're always headed for somewhere and we're always in a hurry. And when I look around, every person is holding a mobile phone. Who is everyone calling anyway? Back in the day, a cellphone was NOT a necessity. But all these things -- all these things -- I am a part of. That's what I was afraid of. All those details and their demand from me.

A little quiet time helps. Over two cups of hot black coffee I reevaluate my priorities and my purpose. Still figuring out the latter sometimes.

Pausing gives me a chance to feel everything. Or nothing.

I think about my day to day activities and say to myself that despite all the rush, I am still in control -- for the most part at least. Then I start dreaming again, with my eyes wide open this time. I think about all the cheerful things and relax. I do this for as long as I can. I do this until the time comes when I have to rush again. Just for this short moment I let things flow. And I realize that at any age, I can be dreamy. It gives me something to look forward to.

Have you dreamed lately?

_engaged_

Take a peek at my best friend and her fiance's engagement shoot at the beautiful Bella Roca Resort in Marinduque a.k.a. Santorini of the Philippines:

B, Sam and Bella Roca



Lovely, isn't it? :)

_sound_

I lost the excitement for surprises in my late 20's when I realized that it's not easy to surprise me. It's no fun surprising me - at all. I always, always, manage to spoil the surprise. Curiosity really does kill the cat.

But there was one thing that totally caught me off guard. Healing came as a surprise. I had no idea it was coming my way. I didn't expect to be immensely healed and for it to be happening when it did.

With healing came happiness.

I guess, it still holds true, that things happen when you least expect them, more so when you try to avoid it. Although I must admit that I knew that the idea of being healed again is a steady light bulb at the edge of my vision. It's always there. It's always switched on.

Once again I learned that nothing is ever promised. Cherish what you have now. And like what my friend Jayvee told me, I should lock my happiness and throw away the key.

And I just have to say...I never understood what it felt like to be swept off your feet.

Until now.

LOCATION BREAKDOWN FOR VOLUNTEERS AND DONATIONS FOR VICTIMS OF TYPHOON ONDOY

Bayanihan is indeed alive.

Reposting from superbianca's blog.

QUEZON CITY:

- go to ateneo de manila university, katipunan avenue, and proceed to the college covered courts to volunteer. shifts are in three hour cycles. you can go as early as 6AM but it goes on the whole day.

- please bring packed/cooked food to 12 Denmark, Loyola Grand Villas, QC, and help @patriciahizon whose group was the only one helping the victims in tumana today.

- TULONG BAYAN, to volunteer, just go to Balay Expo Center in Cubao, Edsa cor McArthur, 8AM onwards. contact (02) 9137122 and look for Mary, May or Cam

- donations accepted in MIRIAM COLLEGE insa office.

- donations also accepted in UP DILIMAN student council office at vinzons hall.

- for the GMA Kapuso Foundation, you can drop your donations at Samar St. cor GMA Network drive, QC. Behind GMA complex. Beside Malayan Bank. Tel # 9284299, 9289351, 9827777.

- for those who want to volunteer for sagip kapamilya: call 4132667/4160387, or go to #13 examiner st., west triangle, QC

- the other address for sagip kapamilya is sct. bayoran corner tomas morato. look for Girlie Aragon or Jet at 0916-7227806 or 0929-5348176

- this is the REAL SAGIP KAPAMILYA ACCOUNT for your donations: banco de oro #56 300 20111 under abs-cbn foundation. to all those spreading fake accounts, please naman..

MANILA:

- DLSU along taft avenue will be accepting any and all kinds of donations starting 830AM.

- csb alumni also accepting donations at 9/f dls-csb school of design and arts building, along pablo ocampo street, vito cruz.

- UST is also accepting your donations, proceed to the Tan Yan Kee Student Center.

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in malate, call 5221212 or visit the victory website.

PASIG:

- MEGATENT, Meralco Ave, Ortigas beside Renaissance: need more volunteers and donations! Very big space! Open 24 hrs til Friday!

- according to @margaga, poveda school (beside galleria) opens 9AM tomorrow and is open to all volunteers and any kind of donations.

- according to @angel21kawaii, CFC Center in Ortigas is receiving donations in cash or in kind. Call (02)7270682-87 or 09195359036.

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in ortigas, contact 6311212 or visit the victory website.

MANDALUYONG:

- GAWAD KALINGA is accepting volunteers and donations, base is RFM gym in pioneer. Contact Raul Dizon 09178888109 and Felice Caringal 09178888304. for other GK sites you can help out, check out this blog.

MAKATI:

- White Space in Pasong Tamo ext. / Chino Roces is in need of volunteers to pack goods

- you can drop of your donations at Assumption College, San Lorenzo Village, Makati

- you can drop off your donations at the following stores in rockwell powerplant mall: aranaz, luca, greyone social.

TAGUIG or FORT area:

- donations can be dropped off at victory church in the fort, you can call 8171212 or visit the victory website.

- you can drop off your donations in embassy superclub in the fort.

PASAY:

- @elizabacud shares that Manila Doctors College will also be accepting donations. Bring anything that can help at Speech Lab., Macapagal Blvd, PasayCity

SAN JUAN:

- La Salle Greenhills, Xavier School, and ICA (right beside Xavier) are also accepting donations. Xavier will be accepting goods till 12midnight.

FAIRVIEW area:

- Help needed in Fairview and Novaliches. Please send clothes, food, water, meds & blankets to the Divine Savior Parish in North Fairview.

SOUTH (alabang, las pinas, paranaque):

- drop donations or volunteer at DE LA SALLE ZOBEL. Contact Ms. Angie Brazan at the Social Action Office 0917-8597602

- you can drop donations at the ATC concierge, call 8422782 or 7721860

- san beda alabang in alabang hills village is also accepting donations

- you can help pack donations 10AM at st. james church, ayala alabang village

- you may volunteer at Red Cross Alabang - ATC along Zapote Road fronting National Bookstore call 8097131 for info

- CFC center in Las Pinas City is accepting donations. it is near Verdant and in front of the construction of SM Center Las Pinas. Contact 09174493154 / 8460809

- There are two new drop-off points for relief goods. Recipients will be various areas, including flooded Para�aque & Muntinlupa areas. You can get in touch with Jeff Tagle (09178875824) and Katrina Villareal (09175298332) respectively for details.

BAGUIO:

- donations can be dropped off at the ABSCBN Baguio Office

- donations are also accepted at the Baguio Convention Center Executive Room from 10am til 4pm starting tomorrow til Friday. Volunteers are urged to come.

- Organizing a soup kitchen. Baguio donating vegetables to arrive via Victory Liner. Contact Dave at 09178396179.

BULACAN:

- RedCross bulacan accepts donations. It is located in Malolos Bulacan, near bulacan capitol :)

CAGAYAN:

- send your donations to the kkp office in xavier university, ATENEO DE CAGAYAN.

CAVITE:

- DLSU-Dasmarinas is also accepting donations, pls proceed to the 2nd floor of SBC Building

BATANGAS:

- DE LA SALLE LIPA is now accepting your donations, drop off point is at the college lobby.

CEBU:

- details on how you can donate are on noelle's blog or the living for a cause blog.

DUMAGUETE and NEGROS area:

- People here in Dumaguete or in Negros Oriental can send their donations to Silliman University. contact @princessngaako on twitter for more details.

BACOLOD:

- For your donations, drop off center is at the Coliseum in the University of St. La Salle. 435-3857

- CAFE BREIZH wil be a drop off center for donations. text 09193651101 for details.

DAVAO:

- ATENEO DE DAVAO is accepting in kind donations for ondoy. drop off at the samahan office in jacinto campus.

- BANTAY BATA 163 davao located at matina,davao city is also a drop off point for any in-kind donations.

ZAMBOANGA:

- ATENEO DE ZAMBOANGA is accepting donations. You may bring them to the SACSI office. Look for Alma Curesma, 991-0871, loc 2224 or 2225.

for PETS in need of aid:

- @kimmydeleon is announcing that PARC is open for animals. Click this site for info of PAWS for helping from the flood. for the official website of paws, click here

for those in SINGAPORE:

- dropoff for relief goods is @ airfreight lucky plaza #03-09. can call 62351011, they are open up to 7pm.

- pinoys are mobilizing and gathering donations, visit this forum for more details.

for those in SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA:

- you can deliver relief goods to 303/5 Stromboli Strait, Homebush Bay 2127. you can also contact through twitter at @allorange if you want to arrange for a pick up in the city

for those in CANADA:

- TORONTO - pinoys are spearheading efforts to help, visit this website for details.

- WINNIPEG - the Philippine Community Centre of Manitoba here in Winnipeg Canada started to raise money for the victims today

for those based in BELGIUM:

- from @SayChiz, they can contact Shiera Catalan at +32485328811 if they want to donate goods for typhoon relief

for anyone in the UNITED STATES:

- you can call the ABS-CBN US Helpline at 1-800-5272820 to know how you can help

- also, you can donate through the kapuso foundation site.

- with your credit card, donate via the the abs-cbn foundation.

- for those in california, Island Pacific Supermarket is gathering donations to be shipped to the Philippines

- SAN FRANCISCO - 5750 Mission Street, San Francisco, CA 94112 For details call 510-750-3036, 209-3499576, 415-239-9576

- LOS ANGELES - Manila Forwarder Headquarters 4249 Eagle Rock Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90065 1.800.210.1019323. 478.1599

- NEW YORK - NYC Disaster Relief drop off center @ Pandayan Center 406 W40th St. Between 9th and 10th Aves. NY, NY 10018 or 212.564.6057.

- NEW JERSEY - NJ drop off Sinugba Cafe or Casa Victoria or (201)621-3156 -Yves Nibungco

for those in the UK:

- you can donate through OXFAM on their official website.

for anyone else ABROAD who wants to help:

- you can donate through the paypal account link on this site.

- the official website of the PHILIPPINE RED CROSS has a complete listing of how you can donate to them.

- the ayala foundation is also accepting your donations through their website.

- you can donate through the kapuso foundation site.

- you can use your credit card to donate via the the abs-cbn foundation.

- donate rice through the UN's World Food Programme through their official website.

OTHER FORMS OF HELP FOR YOU:

NEED TO SEND YOUR DONATIONS? Mail & More, FedEx & Air21 outlets are now accepting donations. For locations please call 8794789 or log to their official website.

PAL IS OFFERING FREE AIRLIFT FOR DONATIONS. for details, click on the pal website.

TO REPORT MISSING LOVED ONES OR AREAS IN NEED OF HELP: call the SAGIP KAPAMILYA HOTLINES at 4110011, 4110012, 4110013.

HOTLINES FOR MISSING PERSONS:
marikina - 09209389914
qc - 09216555262
pasig - 09189356318
cainta - 09175606241.

DATABASE OF ONDOY VICTIMS AND EVACUATION CENTERS: click on the ateneotaskforceondoy website.

FOR CAR TOWING NEEDS: HONDA and NISSAN offer free towing! call 09228504452, 09224452242, and 09228997959.

DONATIONS ON WHEELS!! if you have donations to give but no means to transport, contact 09189791229, 09177974098, 09326991794. don't worry guys, this is not a scam! its by friends of @jiggycruz!

WANT TO OFFER YOUR MEDICAL SERVICES? please submit your name and contact details to Dr. V. Gisbert 0917-8922807 and Dr. J. Sinon at 0917-5261345

_sam_

The things that make you YOU...

- your animated ways of talking
- your generosity
- your being helpful
- your wit
- your craziness
- your habit of breaking into a song whenever, wherever
- your exaggeration when you describe certain things that I or we do (aminin :P)
- your optimism
- your habit of hitting me whenever we watch something funny or romantic at the cinemas or on tv (please remember that I bruise easily :p)
- your superb cooking (naks!)
- your frankness
- your unbelievable high tolerance for alcohol
- your joyful ways
- your out of this world sense of humor
- your boldness
- your genuine concern whenever i feel sad (even without me telling you)
- your comforting ways everytime i'm heartbroken
- your protective ways when a random guy tries to come near me (i swear you scare them off)
- your sincere wish for me to be happy (especially in the love department)
- your love and honest to goodness friendship through the years

It's been years since I first met you and you're still all these things. I love you for everything and anything that you are.

I know that one day soon we will be going home to our own families, but until then, I want you know that you are the best roommate and best friend ever. :)

I love you bes. Happy happy 30th! ;)

p.s.
I really enjoyed your birthday weekend. We had a blast indeed, even if the sparklers made me choke. Haha! Now there's another thing to joke about me, huh? :P

_concealed_

Patience, for me, is a tricky substance. It seems I can't possess it, and yet I know, I have it in some such way.

I feel like I am still a patient woman after putting up with a lot of lousy things, and more triumphantly, with a few difficult people. I suspect, however, that maybe patience isn't what I have. I may simply be lacking the energy to fight, to demand, to defy at certain times. I tend to have little aptitude for arguments when I know it's pointless. Mind you, when I know I'm right, I will not shut up. It's one of my disorders in an otherwise harmonious living.

My understanding of patience may be amiss and is only existing to me. But whatever it is, it has saved me from further distress.

Or has it?

_full speed ahead_

SJC Trilogy


Check it out! :)

_edges_

I am grateful. Truly, I am.

But something tags at me every now and then. The answers are righ there, but I still keep on probing until it becomes obscure, yet again.

I know what I want and I resist it. I can't quite determine if it's due to fear or plain stubbornness.

It's not my habit to ask for signs probably because I don't exactly believe in them. But even without asking, I have to admit that signs just pop out of nowhere. Sometimes the signs are literally just right smack in front me -- brighter than neon lights. I still manage to ignore them.

So I'm back to square one. I continue to search. I search further. I end up more confused.

This is a maze with no exit.

_oblige_

It happened overnight -- more or less. In that time frame I managed to alter a part of my life. My life, therefore, is alterable.

I got tired of being upset and worried. Tired of pretending not to care that I was upset and worried. And possibly, tired of not even knowing what I was really upset and worried about. In between letting out a heavy sigh and furrowing my brows and biting my lips, I finally, finally got it. My agony was resembling foolishness. I had to stop it because it wasn't making any sense anymore. It simply went against sense.

Why is it always hard for us to practice what we preach? And even harder for us to see what's happening under our noses. Even when someone points out to us what's really going on, we make erratic rationalizations and stupid defenses. We ignore what's really out there -- the truth. We ignore it because it hurts, and for most of us, we're naturally escapists.

But you wake up to actuality -- in your own style, own time. For some people, it takes something grand for this to take place. In my case, however, it was hearing the silence after shredding a paper. After that sharp sound, it's calmness. Stillness. That same calmness overpowered me.

And I allowed it.

_roll_

I was surprised -- and pleased -- to know that I have become more forgiving over the years. Getting hurt now, compared to getting hurt 10 years ago, really makes a huuuge difference. Simply put, my perspective has changed. That's what happens when you grow older. :)

In my younger years (which was not so long ago hehe :P), whenever something bad happens to me, I always ask God WHY? I kept asking what I did to deserve such treatment.

While I still believe that misfortunes can happen, I have at least stopped believing that life is unfair. Maturity led me to believe that when awful things happen to unsuspecting good people, God is not being cruel to them....to me. :)

It's just life taking place.

_trace_

That I was soul searching during our recent trip to Taipei was a bit exaggerated. :P But somehow, I really did "find" something when I was there.

I had a few hours to explore the city by myself. Going for a walk has always been my way of coping and reassessing. It was especially different when I was in Taipei. Since that "fateful day", it was the first time I really had time to think; to listen; to pay attention.

For a few minutes, perhaps hours, I allowed all the thoughts to occupy me. The problem with thinking is that overdoing it can give you a headache. I don't know if it was the heat (as I started walking just before noon) or hunger, or the language barrier, or that heavy thinking mode, or all of the above -- but after a while, I just wanted to splash ice cold water all over me. Anyhow, all those thoughts soaked me perfectly.

All those doubts I had -- all gone. All those questions I had -- all answered. Not all answers, however, were definite. I didn't get just Yes's and No's..I also got Maybe's.

My recent trip was, I might almost say, the very first time that I truly understood the difference between happiness and joy. My happiness is based on circumstances, while joy is my emotional well being. And while the opposite of happiness is unhappiness, the opposite of joy is fear.

And seriously, for the first time in my life, I actually appreciate my first name :) My nickname JAR would not be complete without it.

Taipei definitely left a mark on me...and I'm going back for sure.