_oblige_

It happened overnight -- more or less. In that time frame I managed to alter a part of my life. My life, therefore, is alterable.

I got tired of being upset and worried. Tired of pretending not to care that I was upset and worried. And possibly, tired of not even knowing what I was really upset and worried about. In between letting out a heavy sigh and furrowing my brows and biting my lips, I finally, finally got it. My agony was resembling foolishness. I had to stop it because it wasn't making any sense anymore. It simply went against sense.

Why is it always hard for us to practice what we preach? And even harder for us to see what's happening under our noses. Even when someone points out to us what's really going on, we make erratic rationalizations and stupid defenses. We ignore what's really out there -- the truth. We ignore it because it hurts, and for most of us, we're naturally escapists.

But you wake up to actuality -- in your own style, own time. For some people, it takes something grand for this to take place. In my case, however, it was hearing the silence after shredding a paper. After that sharp sound, it's calmness. Stillness. That same calmness overpowered me.

And I allowed it.

_roll_

I was surprised -- and pleased -- to know that I have become more forgiving over the years. Getting hurt now, compared to getting hurt 10 years ago, really makes a huuuge difference. Simply put, my perspective has changed. That's what happens when you grow older. :)

In my younger years (which was not so long ago hehe :P), whenever something bad happens to me, I always ask God WHY? I kept asking what I did to deserve such treatment.

While I still believe that misfortunes can happen, I have at least stopped believing that life is unfair. Maturity led me to believe that when awful things happen to unsuspecting good people, God is not being cruel to them....to me. :)

It's just life taking place.

_trace_

That I was soul searching during our recent trip to Taipei was a bit exaggerated. :P But somehow, I really did "find" something when I was there.

I had a few hours to explore the city by myself. Going for a walk has always been my way of coping and reassessing. It was especially different when I was in Taipei. Since that "fateful day", it was the first time I really had time to think; to listen; to pay attention.

For a few minutes, perhaps hours, I allowed all the thoughts to occupy me. The problem with thinking is that overdoing it can give you a headache. I don't know if it was the heat (as I started walking just before noon) or hunger, or the language barrier, or that heavy thinking mode, or all of the above -- but after a while, I just wanted to splash ice cold water all over me. Anyhow, all those thoughts soaked me perfectly.

All those doubts I had -- all gone. All those questions I had -- all answered. Not all answers, however, were definite. I didn't get just Yes's and No's..I also got Maybe's.

My recent trip was, I might almost say, the very first time that I truly understood the difference between happiness and joy. My happiness is based on circumstances, while joy is my emotional well being. And while the opposite of happiness is unhappiness, the opposite of joy is fear.

And seriously, for the first time in my life, I actually appreciate my first name :) My nickname JAR would not be complete without it.

Taipei definitely left a mark on me...and I'm going back for sure.

_awaken_

The greater loneliness of our lives comes from our hesitations -- our unwillingness to indulge, our unwillingness to thrill ourselves, our unwillingness to just simply...GO! We seem to be dampening our inner weather every now and then.

But everyone knows, certainly I know, that we have a choice.

I had a choice. And I chose to end my misery. I realized that in some cases, the only cross to bear is the one I CHOOSE to carry.

I also realized that there is no point postponing my happiness and peace of my mind -- both of which I know I truly deserve.

Minsan hindi ko alam kung bakit pinahihirapan ko sarili ko...

_proceed_

There will always come a time when I will reach that fork in the road.

Whether I take the road less -- or perhaps even the one NEVER travelled -- I won't be scared. I know that all roads lead to somewhere. And once I reach that somewhere, I can claim it my own.

Then again, if one path doesn't kill me, at least I still have a chance to trek another;

_scale_

There is a reason why I want to give up.

But there is an even bigger reason why I choose not to.

_bunso_

Happy birthday to my dearest and most favorite sister, Justine :)

Remember that you are one of my answered prayers. As a kid, I prayed with all my faith to have a sister. :)

I know that you have a good head on your shoulders and you have a very good heart. Sana lang, bawas bawasan mo ang katarayan mo. :P

Ate will always be here for you. I love you!

_three_

It's easy to love someone when everything is going smoothly and all that feeling of being in love is simply overwhelming. It becomes natural to love someone when things are manageable. But you also love me even when loving me is difficult. Despite my out of this world peevishness and stubornness, you've never -- EVER -- given up on me, and that says a lot about you and our relationship.

Before I left for SG, I was against keeping a long distance relationship. But I have to admit that you made me realize that we could be different. Yes, it's hard and I rant about it, but we deal with it. We defy the distance.

I know that things will not always be perfect, but our love is enough to make me believe that the happy days will always outnumber the sad ones.

In case I haven't shown you enough, or said it warmly enough...

I love you.

Happy anniversary, Love. :)

_rough_

It is liberating, and also frightening, how much strength I could have. I can be incredibly strong if I choose to, but I don't know how much of that is real. I stop pretending for a moment and indulge in being weak. Weakness is altogether comforting. I don't really need strength and find answers right away. For a reasonable amount of time, I just need comfort -- from someone. Anyone. While this is a tad too taxing for others to give, the truth is, it's the only thing.

_flare_

no matter how well a person knows you or how perfectly you express your thoughts, it is inevitable that you will be misunderstood. there is almost something agonizing about it.

_barely_

I was right all along. Long distance relationships are a pain. But I went ahead and took the plunge.

Don't ever, ever, follow my footsteps.

_in between_

Can you really NOT have the best of both worlds?

The life altering decision I have to make soon will largely depend on my answer to the question above.

Yes, I've put a lot of time thinking and praying about this...but I'm still uncertain at this point.

16,000 lost jobs last year

This was the headline in Saturday's Straits Times.

And this is in Singapore alone. Recession is a global concern and Singapore is definitely not saved from it.

Whenever I'm pissed about work, perhaps I should remember that I am still lucky. This doesn't mean that I will do my work half baked. I have learned that even if you don't exactly have the job of your dreams, you must still do your best.

Here's to doing our best. :) And I truly wish that we can all survive this crisis.

Gong Xi Fat Chai

-- Chinese New Year at River Hong Bao with Bes --

Singaporeans may not celebrate Christmas and New Year's as grand as Pinoys do, but they surely make up for it during Chinese New Year. I've never seen Singapore so lively.

Happy Year of the Ox!

Cheers to my first Chinese New Year in a country that truly celebrates it. :)

decisions, decisions, decisions

Between now and June, I have to make a very big decision on a very important aspect of my life.

June seems quite far away, but there are just so many factors to consider.

I have options A and B, but both options seem to be of equal value and it makes the decision making part harder for me.

My friend told me, "You'll know you've made the right decision when you pick out the most difficult choice but your heart is at peace."

I hope my heart will be at peace.

tick tock tick tock...

In less than an hour, I will say goodbye to the 20's life. It's been...awesome.

Bukas na ang ma-emote na entry :)

Wow. This is my very last post as a 20 something haha! Bukas, ibang age bracket na ako. :P

December na

...and nothing can really beat the Christmas spirit in the Philippines.

Christmas this year will be very interesting and challenging for me. Pipilitin kong hindi umiyak.

It's bad enough that I am away from my loved ones, now my housemates are also going some place else on Christmas day.

Home alone. :( How does anyone spend Christmas alone??

Why Men Are Never Depressed :)

Got this from Tianne.

When you're having PMS and you read this, you'd really hate being a girl :P

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too sicky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes!

No wonder men are happier.

_ashley, my tzu_

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY ASHLEY!!!! You bring so much joy to me and my family. Despite all the drama when I first got you, my family eventually fell in love you. Who wouldn't? :) (Mahal, thanks again for Ashley. Miss ka na ren nya :P)

Hehehe...parang kelan lang, I could carry her in one hand. Ngayon ang laki laki na!

Astig sya dito ha :P

*photos and notes courtesy of my sister, Justine :)

_lift_

An email from my brother:

----

"Good morning Ate.
Narinig kitang umiyak last night. Wag ka na malungkot ha. Malapit lang naman Singapore.
And I'm sorry hindi kita nabisita diyan. Pagtumagal ako dito, maaayos ko din yung pag renew ng passport ko. I love you!"

----

My family is not used to saying I love you to each other. But things changed since I got here.

On my mom's birthday, I called to greet her and I'm pretty sure it was the first time I ever told her I miss her.

Before coming here, I knew that homesickness will be part of working overseas. But I never thought it could be so unbearable. There are moments when I just feel like getting on the next plane out to Manila and not caring what's in store for me there. Yes, perhaps going back there will be harder. But the truth is, living anywhere in the world away from your loved ones is the hardest.

Everything I've heard about working overseas and the hardships that come with it, I now understand. I absolutely understand.

And I go through it every single day.

But then again, I should remember that coming here was an adventure. And it still is. No matter what happens, I'll survive. And I still feel so blessed. :)