_curb_


i get caught between asking what's probable and asking what possibilities remain. it is having the courage and losing it in the next breath. it is knowing i am strong but realizing that it's just what i keep telling myself.

there are certain obstacles i need to face but i'm really tempted to just look away. i'm pretending that the latter is a better option. i know it's a cheat, but for now, it works for me. after all, if they say that timing is everything, then i'll deal with it...when the timing is right.

it could take forever though. :/

_keyhole_


some people have a habit of keeping their loved ones in the dark in the hope of protecting them. but when the truth comes out, these people who were kept in the dark wouldn't feel protected, rather, they would feel betrayed. confused. lost. stupid. and they wouldn't know which emotion should exist first. and at some point, these emotions can be felt all at the same time.

i should know, it happened to me. in fact, it's still happening to me.

other than the piercing little detail that i was the last one to know, i also found out about it on new year's day. new year's day! wow. what a way to start the year, huh? God was testing my strength on the very first day of the year.

i keep thinking that finding out the big ugly secret earns me the right to stop respecting this certain person. but that's not applicable here. my case is oddly different. i am forced to show respect to someone who continues to betray us.

this. is. hell.

_2008_

happy new year everyone!

hope you guys are safe.

_flow_


amidst these moments of agitation, i suppose, there is bliss to be awaited, to be experienced. it is particularly more difficult to grasp what is going on if i will remain discouraged.

there are endings. there are beginnings. and i should be aware when one is happening. but most importantly, i should remember to thrive in between. i do not desire to reach a point where i am realizing that my existence is merely split into two directions: the past and the future. i need my middle...and i want it in its greatest possible form.

so i won't waste my time sulking. not anymore.

_i hate winter but i love this city_

we survived our first work week in Istanbul.

we haven't had time to take pictures. in the meantime, I'll post these pictures that were researched by Love. hehe. ironically, he's seen more interesting pictures of Istanbul than I have.

Levent Skyline in Istanbul. The tallest building you see (the one with a logo that looks like a dollar sign), is our office.
Our office is the tallest building in Turkey. Pretty neat, huh?
It's really beautiful especially at night

I'll blog more next time...that is, if I find the time.

Take care you guys! I heard what happened in Manila this week (earthquake and that incident in Makati), and it's worrying us badly.

_smoke_


whatever it is that's in front of me is made up of gentleness. and it is up to me, entirely up to me, if i will tear it or not.

this privilege is perfect, and yet a pain.

_unsettled_


there is something here that speaks of what you really deem important and how you've tried to deny it. i never thought that something so superficial can be so relevant and could be so much of an issue.

suddenly, i feel like the ugliest and least confident person in the world.

the worst thing is, i never expected YOU to be that person who makes me feel this way. not now, not ever.





it's a little bit alarming.

fan of Inday? if you don't know who i'm talking about then you probably don't own a cellphone. :P

anyway, i just learned that she (or whoever is the author behind all this) has a blog too:

http://blogniinday.wordpress.com

laugh trip! :D

i swear, ang galing ng nagsusulat na to! the blog landed 6th in the top 10 english blogs in wordpress.

_serious writing mode: soon_


semester's over. i'm also done with all my academic subjects. but the worst is yet to come. i will start writing my thesis next sem...and God knows how many semesters it will take me to finish it. choosing a topic is already a challenge, what more when it comes to the actual work? as what i would say to my classmates, "kelangan pa mag moments mag isa sa tagaytay para lang makapag isip ng topic." so if you see me in tagaytay and i'm alone, don't disturb me. :P

wish me luck. i'm a thesis virgin. oh, and if you are, or know someone who is a statistician, lemme know. ;) hmmm...what's the fee of statisticians anyway? hay. pahirapan na, mamumulubi pa.

now i'm trying to recall what made me enroll in a master's degree in the first place. *sigh* i probably forgot that it was a thesis course that i was getting into.

now i'm trapped. :|

everything is great. just great. but everything is also temporary.

i don't believe in forever.








never did.

_quicksand_


we never outgrow the need to share what it feels like to live in our private worlds; to share our unique experiences. our problems. our frustrations. this is why a sympathetic ear is important in human relationships -- and exactly why the failure to be heard is painful.

jumping in to say what's on our minds before realizing where the other person is coming from, takes away the possibility of getting a little sympathy. not a lot of sympathy, just a little. and really, that's all it takes.

as it is, we experience things differently. and we react differently. and we recover differently.

i do not expect someone to fully understand what i'm going through (as it could be almost impossible at times). i only need someone to acknowledge the fact that i am indeed having a rough time and that i have to cope the only way i know how; someone who won't make me feel that my approach to the situation is not necessarily exaggerating.

there is a reason-- a deeper reason -- why i cry. and it's not just because i CAN (not "am", but "can") be overly -- almost irritatingly emotional (and i hate it). i cry because there are moments when i cannot find the comfort i am looking for...

i guess, sometimes, it's better not to share. there was a phase in my life where i kept everything to myself. maybe i should try doing that again.

_my bes_


when i was in grade school and high school, i always ended up losing my best friend -- not to death, but to other less tragic reasons. either she would go abroad, transfer schools, or we would have different interests and simply grow apart. when you're a kid and your friend likes doing other things, it's easy to lose contact.

so when i entered college, i vowed never to call someone my best friend again. sure i'd have close friends, but i wouldn't dare label someone as my best friend. i thought, who needed one anyway?

years went by, and i started working right after graduation. yup, still bestfriend-less. a couple more years went by and i ended up working at Sykes. while i was there, i established a great friendship with this girl. it was unexpected. and to think that our friendship culminated after a fight. yes, that's when the infamous line "you think you're so perfect" started. that's when we became best friends.

i think i would have still lived a good life if i didn't have a best friend. but it's definitely better that i do. in fact, i now have three...you, Love and jayvs. :)

every woman should have a friend whom she can trust completely, who would always give advice no matter how painfully true they are, who would always believe in her and be proud of her, who would remain connected to her even when they are countries apart. :) bes, thank you for being that person to me. have a wonderful, wonderful birthday!

_bliss_


i feel wonderfully blessed to be in a relationship that never makes me feel suffocated. while i still enjoy the same freedom and independence i had when i was unattached, i feel a great sense of belongingness and an acceptable level of dependency to you. dependency in a good way, the kind that makes me feel...safe. i just realized that you are the first guy who made me feel such. :)

i have so many things to thank you for. but i can sum it up to this: thank you for letting me experience a love binded in trust and respect.

it's really amazing how we ended up together. when i first met you, i never really imagined that i could be your girlfriend because i knew that you had high -- very, very, high standards -- in a girl. well, what do you know? i passed your standards. ;) and i guess, we found our match in each other. right? ;)


happy happy birthday, Love!

_pinhole_


what's mostly frustrating is not that you can't tell the truth - it's telling the truth and not being heard.

at all.

the problem is, i am talking to someone who has a preconceived notion about me. and every word that comes out of my mouth is just foreign language to her.

in an instant, i have a seething reaction to everything.

it could get worse. i am slowly becoming crippled by this rage. i know it's all so pointless in the end. i was told that it doesn't matter what other people think of you, as long as you know yourself and you know the truth, that's what's important. but on a fundamental level, i believe it SHOULD matter if these people are related to you. by blood. and i mean your immediate family.

i just feel it's worthless if it's only me who knows the truth. what good is a family if no one believes you?

_mesh_


i've had my share of complaints about being an adult. problems seem bigger as i mature, but it also means that i get greater chances of learning. over the years, i have gotten better at understanding the difference between making a living and making a life. i have managed to let go of crappy moments by realizing that i have more things to thank for. i have identified the people with whom, no matter how complicated things may get, i will never lose respect for.

each experience -- good or bad -- is represented by a string. the strings can get all tangled up, but they all account in forming a web. a rich and interesting web which makes absolute sense. it illustrates my life -- what i have done and what i have become so far. and i wouldn't dare cut a single string, for every single one of them is important.

i look forward to making my web tougher and richer -- i will need it to have a more solid base.

here's to living a life!

_relativity_


what do you do when neither speaking up nor remaining silent helps?

i seem to mess things up no matter what i choose to do. maybe i am the wrong variable in this equation.

i'm getting tired of solving this. i need a tutor. a people correlation tutor.

i can't remember the last time i was this mad, misunderstood and frustrated.

and i can't remember ever being this hurt by someone i truly care about.



this sucks.

_pink candle_


happiness comes in many forms, levels, and even lengths. a lot of times, people content themselves with these fleeting moments of happiness. they believe that a minute of happiness is better than not experiencing it at all.

i do too.

but at certain times it makes me want to believe otherwise, because once these moments are over, they are replaced by dullness and frustration. dullness and frustration that are choking me inside. dullness and frustration that leave me wondering if it's better if i had not experienced any amount of happiness at all.

and moreso than anything, the dullness and frustration leave me with a big question. was i truly happy...or was i just telling myself that i was happy?

i am leaning towards the latter. and it scares me.



maybe i need to light my pink candle.

i'm flying back to Manila tomorrow night.

goodbye, California (and Nevada hehe). see you again soon. :)

people are so busy that they forget the things that truly matter.

like me.














i'm entitled to be emotional.