_relativity_


what do you do when neither speaking up nor remaining silent helps?

i seem to mess things up no matter what i choose to do. maybe i am the wrong variable in this equation.

i'm getting tired of solving this. i need a tutor. a people correlation tutor.

i can't remember the last time i was this mad, misunderstood and frustrated.

and i can't remember ever being this hurt by someone i truly care about.



this sucks.

_pink candle_


happiness comes in many forms, levels, and even lengths. a lot of times, people content themselves with these fleeting moments of happiness. they believe that a minute of happiness is better than not experiencing it at all.

i do too.

but at certain times it makes me want to believe otherwise, because once these moments are over, they are replaced by dullness and frustration. dullness and frustration that are choking me inside. dullness and frustration that leave me wondering if it's better if i had not experienced any amount of happiness at all.

and moreso than anything, the dullness and frustration leave me with a big question. was i truly happy...or was i just telling myself that i was happy?

i am leaning towards the latter. and it scares me.



maybe i need to light my pink candle.

i'm flying back to Manila tomorrow night.

goodbye, California (and Nevada hehe). see you again soon. :)

people are so busy that they forget the things that truly matter.

like me.














i'm entitled to be emotional.

_evolving_


indeed, time flies when you're having fun. i cannot, cannot, believe that tomorrow's the big day already.

i will run out of adjectives to describe you bes. :) but it all boils down to one thing -- that you are real. you've always been solid about being one.

even if i'm older than you (o one year lang yan ha. :P), most of the time i feel that you are the "ate" because i always look up to you.

i may be the most emotional person right now about your departure, but i guess, i am also the proudest. i am literally smiling while crying these past few weeks. :) i'm sad, but then again, this is what's best for you...and i want what's best for you.

thank you for giving me the most valuable friendship i will ever have. you will remain one of the most important people in my life. i love you Bes.

here's a little something i made for you:

Salam

(just get the video from there since the one i uploaded on youtube is a bit blurry)

_wobbly_

i missed the street which i was supposed to turn right to. i am guilty of thinking and driving. deep deep thinking yet still safe driving. it's amazing how i still end up alive and it's ironic that i get traffic tickets when i'm absolutely concentrated on the road.

i hit the gas pedal hard as i realized certain things to be real.

undiscovered turmoil and fever and a secondary fever of confusion, and then the astonishing relief from something wrong but probably right for me. i know this because the panic mode quickly turned into a calm one.

something became off-balance. i'm trying to determine which side it is. i'm going to either load or unload something. and that's the most difficult part --- deciding. i have to make the right choice because one wrong move would mean a permanent loss of stability.

_toward_


certain things happen to people that make them alter their almost permanent decisions. in this case, YOU happend to me. and it was a good thing -- a very very good thing. my life certainly began when we got together.

no matter how traumatized or negative i was, you made me a believer again, and a firm one at that. i said it once, twice, and i will never get tired of saying it: you are the guy -- the only guy -- who was man enough to prove to me that not all men are the same.

i have absolutely never felt more loved and valued. thank you for showing me what real love is about.

happy anniversary, Love. :)

_steering_


when things are going too well, expect something wrong (or weird) to happen. and i know i'm not the only one who thinks this way.

a few weeks back, on a tuesday afternoon, i was having a considerably normal and boring day. or so i thought. suddenly, i was a little bit out of my element.

the source? unknown.

i usually walk this off. but the rain prompted me to drive around the city. even driving relaxes me. amazing.

i found myself sitting on benches and chairs in different places: in a church, in a deserted commercial area that time of the year, and in a busy coffee shop.

all those sitting made me meditate...

despite being in control, you will reach a point when you will become powerless. despite being needed, you will still feel that there are minutes in a day when you are ignored.
despite being adequate, you will still feel deficient.
despite having it all, you will still feel that there's something you cannot have.


why? i don't know. and i will never figure these things out. i will just keep on experiencing them.

until the next city drive.

_axis_


i can finally tell what the problem is.

setting expectations.

depending on the day, i can either be idealistic or realistic. when the former is stronger, i set certain expectations on how one will act or speak. i was never a mind reader, yet somehow, i manage to assume how one will react. and when it doesn't go the way i expected, i am crushed. i find it hard to understand what just happened.

after knowing everything there is to know about NOT having expectations, i still end up expecting.

but it must be a normal thing. somewhere, wired into my system, there must exist a tiny nerve that registers the innate desire to be idealistic once in a while.
everyone is entitled to occasionally dream of an ideal world.

i guess there's nothing wrong with having expectations -- low or high. what i need to learn now, is to accept the outcome which may or may not match what i envisioned. i can't believe that at this point my life, i still have to learn how to do this.

i need to remember that things come and go. people and come and go. the rest is a residue that i have to deal with. and that's what is expected of me.

_hold_


at the beginning of 2006, i was filled with optimism and warmth...with high hopes that it would be a good year for me.

and it was.

it was the year of a new and better career, a more interesting life in grad school, a home (still) filled with drama -- but a home nonetheless (and i think it'll always be that way and i have learned to live with it), a deeper and growing friendship...and the year when i finally and officially let someone have my heart (and that someone happens to be the only one deserving *wink*).

in 2006, my life started to build upward and outward. i was still prone to sadness and misery, but i have become far more balanced and less prone to giving up.

here's hoping that 2007 will be as wonderful...maybe even more.

happy 2007 everyone!

_warmth_

_luminous_


i know i'm losing it when everybody's words don't make sense to me anymore. it's when people start giving their litany pieces of advice and everything just sounds gibberish. i know they have every good intention and they may think that their advice can help, but in moments like this, all i want to do is ask them to shut up. (but i don't do it. maybe one day i will)

most importantly, i know i'm off-track when, in the shortest moment possible, i had second thoughts about the one thing i can always trust.

my instincts.

abstractions and loose statements. the seemingly petty and harmless aspects CAN and WILL one day surprise you with a strong presence. so strong that it can throw you off balance, even for just a split second. an all important split second.

serious embarrassment is what i felt during that one second. how could i NOT trust my instincts? but then again, who validates one's instincts?

i have never heard anyone say "don't trust your instincts." they always say it in an affirmative and encouraging way: trust. your. instincts.

just a few days ago, i learned -- in an immodest way -- the value of trusting my own intuition. and for me to doubt it is almost unforgivable.

my instincts and my faith in Him definitely cleared the air. it also made me laugh at the realization that people's unfounded allegations don't deserve my attention.

they are puzzles not worth solving.

_spin_


"apparently, there's a downside to being polite", said Bree in Desperate Housewives. in the same manner, there's a downside to being ethical. it is surprising, ironic even, to feel guilty after being supposedly noble, or even just nice.

we have all felt guilty of something we did -- something wrong. under weird circumstances, however, i feel guilty for doing something right.

it's probably a combination of guilt and lamentation. a series of "i should've just" statements run through my head:

i should've just lied
i should've just been bitchy
i should've just not cared

i never thought i'd be disappointed for those certain times that i have been principled and faithful. i am trying hard to understand why i am being punished for having a good heart.
i'm not willing to become a heartless person -- just yet. but the idea to become one is very tempting when your day is getting all fucked up.

i'm no saint. i can be an awful person at times. but i think i'm a well-disposed being in general. and with the good deeds i've done, no matter how little they are, i somehow expect the world to reciprocate. i'm not asking too much, am i?

the concept of good karma is something i still believe in. it just takes time.
i'm waiting for it to surprise me one day. it would be especially sweet if it surprises me during a time when i least expect it and need it most. so i'll wait.

perversely, i'll wait.

_ground_


people make time for what they want.

i recognized early on in life that there is no such thing as being busy -- the 24/7 kind.

countless, countless times have we uttered the words "i'm busy", sometimes even without thinking what we're really busy about.

the same concept applies to what i have known all these years but never came close to admitting.

i am busy...busy running away from what i want. and what i want translates to what i need. because right now, what i want, is the only thing that will shut them up. i'm not in the mood to elaborate on that.

i have been too apprehensive to move forward and too confused where to direct my gaze.

for the first time, i should not be content with...just this. i'm not saying that i'm not grateful -- because i am. but i should be pushing my boundaries. just because i can.

all this time, certain events have been telling me one simple truth: everything i want is outside my comfort zone.

and right this moment, i finally listened.

_needle_


it's been said and oftentimes repeated, that time heals all wounds.

or maybe it just makes you get used to the pain.

either way, you will eventually get to the place where you can finally say that it's over. not alright -- just over.

you feel a controlling weariness, not because of what they've done -- no matter how wrong it was -- but because something you once believed that will always be yours is now gone. for good. your bag of good spirits is emptied out.

you stare at the wall, and another wall. anything you look at appears the same. you breathe in the air that carries the emptiness, the tiredness and even the annoying shame that comes with it. there's nothing much left to do and there's nowhere to go but here. just here. where the truth is. the truth will never change and it definitely won't leave you. so figure out a way around it.

what you realize now is that some decisions are not difficult to make -- they're just painful, sometimes even a torture. and you're gonna need more time, not to be healed, but to get used to it.

_shoestring_


i have yet to feel that release of pressure around my ribs. i may have been forgiven, but i'm not sure if i have been understood.

whenever people tell me "it's okay", i always want to ask a bunch of follow up questions -- are you sure? how come it doesn't feel ok? how can we just get past this without even pondering first?

i would end up nodding in agreement, with my forehead wrinkled because those little questions are still hanging over me.

and so, we just let it pass. everything appears so right. so normal. but there would always be a moment -- half a moment -- when i'd feel that there's a tiny misfigured detail. i can't ignore it. and i keep thinking that it's still my fault.

was i trying too hard? maybe.
okay. but was that so wrong?

if only things happened as planned, instead of what did. this isn't one of those episodes when i can easily apply the art of flexibility. i refuse to adjust to the situation so quickly.

it's gonna take a while before i shake off this feeling of guilt. i'm getting accustomed to the sharp way of my breathing these days.

_how well do i know me?_


there's always something about other people's attitude that can tick you off. and unless you have the patience of a saint -- i know i don't -- the only other option is not to pay attention. well, that's easy.

until that person turns out to be me.

how can i ignore me altogether?

i thought i always knew the kind of personality i have. and i always believed that no one should know myself better than me. but sporadically, i would find myself behaving like someone very different from what is expected of me; doing something i shouldn't be doing; feeling something i shouldn't be feeling; saying something i shouldn't be saying. all these "somethings" just mean one thing: something stupid.

it's one of the most absurd lines, and i swear i heard myself grunt when i thought of typing this, but simply put -- i wasn't being myself. and no one is more surprised and disappointed than yours truly. and no, this is not a case of discovering something new about me.

i hate how i've become -- no matter how short or unintentional it is -- someone i never want to be. all the years of saying to myself "i will never be like this, or that" is nothing but a hollow statement now.

after what happened, all i had was shame coming to me and i didn't know how to handle it. i wanted to say i'm sorry. the feeling soared in my body but when it finally reached my mouth, it had no voice, no words. just a lot of air and frustration.

i made a mistake and now i can't get myself together. somehow, it's harder to make an apology when you can't even understand why you displayed such stupidity in the first place. oh yeah, i know...i wasn't being myself.

as if anyone would buy that.


(currently my favorite picture. go figure.)

_either it makes or breaks you_


at one point, i managed to adjust to the permanence of having fear in my life -- any man's life. i have understood that it is something normal.

there are certain fears that i allow myself to have. i label them as valid fears.
i just have to let them play their lit-tle roles in my life without letting them control me. no matter how hard i try, no matter how brave i may one day become, no matter how much i believe that i can disregard them, they will never leave the vulnerable places in me.

i will just have to deal with them (with the hope that i will not collide).

on the other hand, there are fears that are simply there to intimidate me -- those that are baseless and trivial. i stand in them for too long until it seemed that i melted right into them. either that, or i had to trade in a pack of faith for a pack of superficial fears. i later found out that the former -- although heavier -- was what i needed to always carry around with me.

i think this line says it all:

"Many fears, like soap bubbles, are all show and of very little substance. One prick with the pin of faith and they vanish." --> taken from my friend's daily inspirational reads

so unless it is a valid fear, i would simply prick it with a pin of strong faith.

so help me God.

_yet_


you would think, that after almost 3 years of owning blogs, it'll be easy for me to open up to the world (even if it's just in writing).

not exactly.

it's a torture for me to tell someone that he/she hurt me. i grew up in a home where people don't talk to each other -- i mean REAL talk. the kind of conversations that open forums are made of.

once, years ago, i tried speaking up. but injury came to me in all forms: physically, emotionally, mentally. that's what came to me if i opened my mouth. i vowed never to speak up again. whatever emotional turbulence i experience at home should remain obscure. i will (and have) become contented and comforted dealing with such pains on my own.

however, there are places beyond home and somehow i found a venue to develop my skill of opening up -- at least to non-family members. but it didn't give me the results i wanted, let alone, needed. revelation lost whatever edge it had. i thought that disclosure would finally bring clarity to things. it made absolute sense, right?

wrong.

even after a number of attempts of uncovering my innermost thoughts and feelings, i am still misunderstood. i have done all -- and i mean ALL -- i could to present things in black and white, yet it appears gray to the other person.

nothing has improved. nothing has changed.

my theory is that all the years of concealing my opinion spawned my inept ability to get my message across. it saddens me that no words can actually represent what i want to say. i am uncertain if i will ever make that accurate connection to anyone.

this is even more frustrating. i finally learned how to handle a confrontation but it proves to be futile.

it's like a rehearsal for the performance that never takes place.