_needle_


it's been said and oftentimes repeated, that time heals all wounds.

or maybe it just makes you get used to the pain.

either way, you will eventually get to the place where you can finally say that it's over. not alright -- just over.

you feel a controlling weariness, not because of what they've done -- no matter how wrong it was -- but because something you once believed that will always be yours is now gone. for good. your bag of good spirits is emptied out.

you stare at the wall, and another wall. anything you look at appears the same. you breathe in the air that carries the emptiness, the tiredness and even the annoying shame that comes with it. there's nothing much left to do and there's nowhere to go but here. just here. where the truth is. the truth will never change and it definitely won't leave you. so figure out a way around it.

what you realize now is that some decisions are not difficult to make -- they're just painful, sometimes even a torture. and you're gonna need more time, not to be healed, but to get used to it.

_shoestring_


i have yet to feel that release of pressure around my ribs. i may have been forgiven, but i'm not sure if i have been understood.

whenever people tell me "it's okay", i always want to ask a bunch of follow up questions -- are you sure? how come it doesn't feel ok? how can we just get past this without even pondering first?

i would end up nodding in agreement, with my forehead wrinkled because those little questions are still hanging over me.

and so, we just let it pass. everything appears so right. so normal. but there would always be a moment -- half a moment -- when i'd feel that there's a tiny misfigured detail. i can't ignore it. and i keep thinking that it's still my fault.

was i trying too hard? maybe.
okay. but was that so wrong?

if only things happened as planned, instead of what did. this isn't one of those episodes when i can easily apply the art of flexibility. i refuse to adjust to the situation so quickly.

it's gonna take a while before i shake off this feeling of guilt. i'm getting accustomed to the sharp way of my breathing these days.

_how well do i know me?_


there's always something about other people's attitude that can tick you off. and unless you have the patience of a saint -- i know i don't -- the only other option is not to pay attention. well, that's easy.

until that person turns out to be me.

how can i ignore me altogether?

i thought i always knew the kind of personality i have. and i always believed that no one should know myself better than me. but sporadically, i would find myself behaving like someone very different from what is expected of me; doing something i shouldn't be doing; feeling something i shouldn't be feeling; saying something i shouldn't be saying. all these "somethings" just mean one thing: something stupid.

it's one of the most absurd lines, and i swear i heard myself grunt when i thought of typing this, but simply put -- i wasn't being myself. and no one is more surprised and disappointed than yours truly. and no, this is not a case of discovering something new about me.

i hate how i've become -- no matter how short or unintentional it is -- someone i never want to be. all the years of saying to myself "i will never be like this, or that" is nothing but a hollow statement now.

after what happened, all i had was shame coming to me and i didn't know how to handle it. i wanted to say i'm sorry. the feeling soared in my body but when it finally reached my mouth, it had no voice, no words. just a lot of air and frustration.

i made a mistake and now i can't get myself together. somehow, it's harder to make an apology when you can't even understand why you displayed such stupidity in the first place. oh yeah, i know...i wasn't being myself.

as if anyone would buy that.


(currently my favorite picture. go figure.)

_either it makes or breaks you_


at one point, i managed to adjust to the permanence of having fear in my life -- any man's life. i have understood that it is something normal.

there are certain fears that i allow myself to have. i label them as valid fears.
i just have to let them play their lit-tle roles in my life without letting them control me. no matter how hard i try, no matter how brave i may one day become, no matter how much i believe that i can disregard them, they will never leave the vulnerable places in me.

i will just have to deal with them (with the hope that i will not collide).

on the other hand, there are fears that are simply there to intimidate me -- those that are baseless and trivial. i stand in them for too long until it seemed that i melted right into them. either that, or i had to trade in a pack of faith for a pack of superficial fears. i later found out that the former -- although heavier -- was what i needed to always carry around with me.

i think this line says it all:

"Many fears, like soap bubbles, are all show and of very little substance. One prick with the pin of faith and they vanish." --> taken from my friend's daily inspirational reads

so unless it is a valid fear, i would simply prick it with a pin of strong faith.

so help me God.

_yet_


you would think, that after almost 3 years of owning blogs, it'll be easy for me to open up to the world (even if it's just in writing).

not exactly.

it's a torture for me to tell someone that he/she hurt me. i grew up in a home where people don't talk to each other -- i mean REAL talk. the kind of conversations that open forums are made of.

once, years ago, i tried speaking up. but injury came to me in all forms: physically, emotionally, mentally. that's what came to me if i opened my mouth. i vowed never to speak up again. whatever emotional turbulence i experience at home should remain obscure. i will (and have) become contented and comforted dealing with such pains on my own.

however, there are places beyond home and somehow i found a venue to develop my skill of opening up -- at least to non-family members. but it didn't give me the results i wanted, let alone, needed. revelation lost whatever edge it had. i thought that disclosure would finally bring clarity to things. it made absolute sense, right?

wrong.

even after a number of attempts of uncovering my innermost thoughts and feelings, i am still misunderstood. i have done all -- and i mean ALL -- i could to present things in black and white, yet it appears gray to the other person.

nothing has improved. nothing has changed.

my theory is that all the years of concealing my opinion spawned my inept ability to get my message across. it saddens me that no words can actually represent what i want to say. i am uncertain if i will ever make that accurate connection to anyone.

this is even more frustrating. i finally learned how to handle a confrontation but it proves to be futile.

it's like a rehearsal for the performance that never takes place.

_paddling through_


does everything REALLY happen for a reason? do they have to?

today i suddenly started wondering why we are so convinced that things do happen for a reason. (it must be the weather.)



people can just attach a reason for every human action. i am amazed at how we do this. are we simply justifying things that are happening to us? because when i try to weave the so-called reasons behind the events in my life, i come up with different categories.

there are reasons that are rational, and there are reasons that are downright ridiculous; others i deserve, and others i don't (or i refuse to accept that i do); some reasons are justified, and some are not; some are obvious, some are blurred; some are enlightening, and some are irritatingly confusing.

most of all, some are known, and some are not. the question is, do we want to know it all?

this is another interesting contrast in life: we find so damn hard to search for meanings, but other times, we try to figure out if there's a way of not knowing. either way, there's always a big question mark right smack in the middle.

_knocking on closed, cold, and opinionated hearts_


before you go hatin' someone because of what another someone told you...

get both sides of the story first. and fast.

it'll save you a huge amount of time -- time you could've used being a friend instead of dwelling on hostility that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.




to someone:

i was initially surprised why you were so confident that you will not have any hatred in you.

now i understand. i clearly do.

you will not have any hatred -- only frustration that they never really knew you, or what was in your heart.

because they don't care.


to another someone:

i knew i could've said it aloud to you as you delved into the territory of anguish. but i also didn't want to stop you from whining -- even if it weighs nothing now. at least it affords you a distraction, which is what you need.

nonetheless, i have to knock some sense into you because you're all consumed in disgust. i need to have at least parallel examples so you can believe. so that you, and the rest of them, can comprehend the theory behind what it is that unglued everyone from their seemingly normal lives.

oh, and one last thing: don't spend your lifetime planning on the perfect revenge. it's a stubborn way of dealing with all this. don't even try to make one small injury. it bleeds into another until the whole system tips over.

_when they start griping_


i'm not sure how to deal with friends who indulge in guilt tripping. whether it's intentional or not, it's just plain unsought for.

you know i'd love to be there for you, but there are times when i simply can't. and believe it or not, i have valid reasons why. besides, i didn't realize the sense of urgency. try to recall HOW you asked me about it. :|

no matter how i stretch my time, there will never be enough of jarjar for everyone. and i hope you see it the way i do -- that just because i can't be with you physically, it doesn't mean that i don't care. I DO. and you should know me better than that. i am your friend, and you don't need to see me 24/7 to prove this.

perhaps this is His way of telling you that there are things you have to deal with on your own.

i should know. i've been there a lot of times. and i re-emerge stronger and braver every time.

_unabashed_


i am not as brave, the way some people are, in affirming that they do not have any regrets. i've heard it all before -- and even said it to myself at times --
"i don't regret anything in my life. for i wouldn't be who i am today if not for this and that, blah blah blah"

whatever.

a friend asked me if i would rather not have gone through that certain phase. i said yes. my mouth closed on the word, and i let out a sigh.

when i try to focus on the details rather than the totality, i realize that i could have lived just as fine if i didn't take that road. i could've just experienced a heartbreak in a totally different dimension.

i knew the consequences. i knew it from the beginning, though i wasn't able to articulate the thought. it was a matter of making choices. and i chose the bad one.

i regretted it. it belongs to yesteryears. even the regretting part is also over now. it's just that this is the first time that someone actually asked me about it.

so yes. i regretted it. and it was brave of me to admit that i did.

_consignment to dysfunction_


it has been proven that one of the greatest tricks to help you unburden your sorrow is to talk to someone. i do this. most of the time i do. othertimes i just want to step into the shadow and keep the lamenting to myself.

there's a little bit of strangeness in some of the things that i consider despairing. and if i tell others what these are, it may not be worth their time. there's already a lot of peculiarity about me. i still want to be seen as someone fairly normal. ergo, i end up not sharing. not talking. not expressing. the fact that i remain unheard is oddly comforting. it even occurs to me that i don't deserve to speak up.

my particular episode of lowness is linked to a lot of circumstantial events. you see, i could just be reacting the only way i can to an equally withholding universe.

_all i could do is shake my head_


despite wanting to be completely honest with someone, there are still quite a few things that i'd rather have undisclosed. i am referring to discussions that have already taken place -- more than once.

the same scenario transpires. yet again.

you have a point. and i have a point. only mine is better.

you have a notion -- the same notion that i always disagree with. but i lack the energy for a debate. i know all too well that it'll be another unresolved exchange of reasons.

difference of opinion should be handled with maturity. i should stand for my beliefs and understand yours and vice versa. this is something i'd like to see happening one day.

but for now, such gaps of understanding will be dealt in silence.

_is it time to build my wall again?_


today i am reminded why i get disappointed -- immoderately -- over broken trust and loyalty.

people who have proven themselves unworthy of my trust have downheartened me, but it also gave me an unusual chance to understand myself deeper and how such situations can bring me the lowest spirits.

i trust so much.

too much...that i expect others to emanate the same approach. but it doesn't seem to be that way. this is the perfect time to say "do not expect too much".

things become cloudy when a friend betrays you. it becomes even uglier finding out that he was never a friend to begin with. i've said more than once that i could not stand "user friendly" people. but how do i even know that they are such?

i will know.
...but only after the damage has been done.

i've been with such people -- they've shown me so much concern, expressed too much fondness, established a seemingly unbreakable bond, demonstrated saintly kindness.

there's an excellent possibility though, that they're just bluffing -- and i realized this a tad too late.

"better late than never" i guess. another cliche proven to be true.

_tsk tsk tsk_


"never miss a good chance to shut up."

why didn't i just remember that??????

no thanks to me, everything's a mess right now. :( i'm sorry. i feel really awful for what i've done.

_clutching my own medal_


i never really understood the art of pretending not to hear what one says.

and even if i become literally deaf for a moment, something inside still does the listening. what's despairing is that it can hear even the unspoken words. when the ego is all bruised and broken, you don't really have to say anything to make matters worse.

i am tired.

so tired...
of having to prove myself to you.
of trying to make you see that i don't need to be like you.
of doing all sorts of things just to make you see me successful.


how do you measure success anyway? because if it's all about the money, then it's gonna take me my whole life -- and more -- to become successful to your eyes.

i'm happy now...
with my job.
with everything and everyone i have.
with everything i do.

i'm happy with my life.

of course, there are goals i have yet to achieve. but so far, i've done good. and there are quite a few things i'm also proud of.

i just hope that you're proud of me too.

God knows it'll make all the difference in the world if you are.

_unyielding_


and we have made it our personal mission to be one another's life savers. there is an unspoken guarantee that we will always have each other -- no matter what.

NO MATTER WHAT.

and there's no need to prove it. this is one of the few comforts available to me at this point in my life. the affirmation of honest friendship -- knowing that there is such a thing as having a family not related to you by blood.

we have pursued our dreams and have gone different directions, but we will always have that solid connection.

cheers to my Macromedia family!



Macromedia's 4th Anniv Party


calling it a "FRAT U!" Party was so appropriate

quoted from myrza sison:

the question: do you believe in marriage?

myrza: "i realized that it's who you're with that makes you believe in marriage."

i so know what you mean, myrza :)


>><<

LOVE, thank you for being that person who reinforced my belief in marriage. :)
i love you and i look forward to having an exciting married life with you.

_most likely...most likely not_


the illuminating perception may have allowed me to see that this is too huge to be embraced and too beautiful to bear.

but there is something very different about it. and i am trying to figure out what it is. i believe i am close to knowing.

in fact, i think i already know. but the world often seems to be withholding something from me.

until i am certain, i will happily dwell on these forehead wrinkling moments and continue to build up the courage to face up to it....in case it turns out to be a sour truth.

_let it pour_


i love the rain. its soothing rhythym tells me that things are going to be ok.
and i listen.

despite the chills, i feel a solacing warmth.
i love how it empathizes me. i cry -- and rain starts to pour.
i love how it protects me. i cry hard -- and it pours harder. and no one can hear me weep.

so don't hate the rain. it can be your best friend when you're very emotional.

_wavering_


between pleasures and woes
i trace the fine line
those dewy eyes
soften the hellhound inside

and i'm bleeding at the sight
of anything that has you in it

these shades of you
betray me,
confuse me

these hands
tied in wildflower chains
reluctantly reach out

healing
untangling
this mess we're in


::jar.5.10.06

_scratches from the sand_


we are all struggling to maintain a strong and fearless front; we do so while assuming to know how the world works.

but what's wrong with fear? with ignorance? a little bit of these cannot hurt.

the truth is, i don't need to know everything. and clearly, no one expects me to. perhaps i am realizing this for the first time.

there are things that i keep on learning and relearning, yet there are things that i don't have to master and own. the latter are the ones that i should let go.

and so i let go. i know this much after all these years.

i cannot hold on to the sand in my hands for long. they have to pass through my fingers eventually.

and i won't catch anything that falls.